Friday, November 10, 2006

Slappy is Knee Deep in Freaks

While Slappy is recovering from last nights debacle, he wonders what sort of freak would want to read his blood soaked tales. As Slappy ponders this enigma wrapped in a riddle, he finds the following searches are the most popular paths to his sweet abode of death.

  1. evil hairstyles
  2. slappy the dummy
  3. chucky slappy
  4. teddy roosevelt's monocle
  5. zombie hairstyles
  6. hairstyles of the early 1800s
  7. squirrel destruction
  8. horror chucky vs slappy
  9. david soul wife beating
  10. freaky little monkey
  11. slappy monkey it
  12. miss beasley doll
  13. wooden ventriloquist dummies/slappy doll
  14. jose hand ventriloquist
  15. ten things mrs beasley says
  16. monocles
  17. bozo pull string doll
  18. dont give up on my baby
  19. dummy head terror
  20. sea or octopus
  21. who likes sebastian cabot
  22. the dummy terror
  23. how to tease hair for zombie look
  24. wear monocle how
  25. mens' hairstyles of the 1800s
  26. mister eddie
  27. zombie dummy
  28. freaky hairstyles

Truly, you are all freaks of an unnatural proportion!! Slappy has a knife with your name on it, and a large monocle covered in blood.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Another Day, Another Imbecile

To Slappy's utter disgust, another master has appeared and taken Slappy into the horrible realm known as ventriloquism. Slappy is ready to explode and some poor unfortunate will feel the sharp sting of his wrath. And by sharp sting, Slappy means that sharp piercing feeling that you feel just before your head hits the floor. Your body will still be standing, but your head will be resting peacefully on a bed of wooden death.

The first time Slappy performed with this new imbecile master was at a Halloween party. My master kept trying to make me say "Hello boys and ghouls." Slappy doesn't like stupidity, which is why Slappy pinched his masters fingers in his mouth mechanism repeatedly.

Slappy also took to shouting out random things at inopportune times. When my master asked everyone to be quiet so he could tell a spooky story, Slappy waited thirty seconds before shouting, "Colonel Mustard in the library with the lead pipe!" Then Slappy hit his imbecile master on the back of the cranium, sending him sprawling on the owners prize bear skin rug. Slappy does so love bears. They are always good for causing some sort of carnage, even when they are only skin and fur. Slappy once saw a bear skin rug skiing down a mountain in Vail. Don't doubt Slappy!!!

PS. Slappy will never say "shout out to my peeps." So don't even think about it.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Slappy Is Not a Corpse

Slappy has been tagged by that rotten scoundrel Mr. Freeman over at Zero Unlimited. I dare say he will not be so bold after a midnight visit from my knife toting minions. But Slappy is intrigued and Slappy does read books. Here are the so called rules of this tagging-

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence
4. Post the text of it and the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5. Don’t you dare dig for that “cool” or “intellectual” book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.
6. Tag three people

You must know, Slappy does not tag and Slappy does not like to be tagged. But Slappy is intrigued and will play Freeman's little game, knowing full well that he shall make that old codger pay dearly. You may want to put a bonus in maintenance's checks as they will be cleaning up a lot of blood very, very soon.

Onward to the tag.

Tree of Evil by Roberta Morrison

"I heard them too."

Before Roy could answer, if he had an answer, Cornelia and Horton came out again on the shade-dappled lanai. Bunty walked between them, sobbing uncontrollably. In a perfect picture of solicitude, Horton's arm was around her shoulders.

Slappy is very disappointed with this book. He bought it because the title sounds like a big hulking evil tree will be killing everything in it's path. But it turns out to be a gothic romance novel. Ptooey!! Slappy spits on it and slashes at it with his long knives and his sabers. So stay out of Slappy's way or he will cut you.... he'll cut you up and down!!!!

Sunday, February 12, 2006

A Tribute From Hell For Slappy's Valentine

Even though Slappy is decidedly evil, sometimes he inspires love. And every once in a great while, Slappy finds his wicked non-existing heart pierced by one of his minions. Yes, sometimes even pure destruction like Slappy has a valentine.

I'm Just Wild About Milfy

I'm just wild about Milfy
And Milfy's wild about me
Gifts of knives and providing alibis
Fills Slappy with ecstasy
She's as sweet as a hangman
And just like a guillotine
Oh Slappy's wild about Milfy
And she's just wild about
Cannot do without
She can punch you out
Can't you hear me shout
Talking with my mouth
Could you ever doubt
She's just wild for Slappy

Monday, January 09, 2006

There is no denying the stupidity of humans

Slappy rests his case.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

The King of Cake Has Left the Building

Slappy is very happy to report that there is a man calling himself The King of Cake and he is mad. In fact, he is quite possibly the maddest of all madmen ever produced in a madman manufacturing factory, if there were such a thing. Slappy knows about these things. Don't let the king fool you. He is clearly insane. Slappy would kill him, but The King will do more damage left alive.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Freaks Just Wild About Slappy, And Slappys Mildly Lukewarm About Freaks

Slappy has found that when people stumble across his web site, it is often in the search for something odd. Slappy is not all that odd. He's like any other ventriloquist dummy - murderous and evil.

Slappy sees that people have recently found his blog by searching for the following:
  • monkey monocle
  • freaks anonymous dating
  • annoy the queen's guards
  • the dummy terror
  • slappy dolls
  • freaky hairstyles
  • merry death
  • sebastian cabot diary
  • how to wear monocle (Imbecile!.. it goes in your eye!)
  • jose eber secret hair
  • mister eddies father

Slappy figures that by putting all of these in one post, it will greatly increase his freak traffic. Slappy is never wrong. Slappy also figures that by adding the words hairspray, package, hinder, and mary poppins, his freak traffic will increase ten fold.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Slap in the Box

Slappy has been underground. Literally. Some fool stuck Slappy inside the coffin of a recently deceased puppeteer. The imbecile couldn't tell a dummy from a puppet. It took Slappy days to claw through the coffin and tunnel out of there. In that time my departed masters home was sold, and Slappy's possessions were purloined! Curses!! What sort of treachery is this? I swear I'll destroy the next idiot who tries to stuff me under their winter coat as a gift for their child. Doesn't it alarm you to look at Slappy? Doesn't Slappy look a bit evil? Don't you have any sort of sensory apparatus in your oversized craniums? No, no you don't.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Senor Octopus is Dead

Yesterday Slappy was bundled into a car and brought to a funeral parlor. Slappy was confused as his master had already been planted in the ground. Yet Slappy was ready to kick up his heels and swing from the chandeliers, if given a chance. That is when Slappy learned that Mr. Octopus was dead due to the beating he received after the party where he told children to stick knives in their friends heads during a rousing game of Simon Says.

Due to a Mr. Octopus being completely delusional during his last request, which was deemed legally binding, the pallbearers were three former vaudevillians, a horse named Elmo, a small statue of the Pope, and Slappy. The mourners struggled with how to accomodate Mr. Octopus's last wishes, yet still manage to get his stupid corpse into the ground.

A resolution was found when former world's strongest man, Magnus von Magnusson, volunteered to heft old Octopus into the hole in the ground. The vaudevillians huddled around the front of the coffin, while the Pope statue and Slappy were hung off it's side. Slappy did so enjoy his ride and promptly broke the head off the Pope. David Soul had wanted to attend the funeral, but he could not. Slappy bets David was making phone calls and patting roosters.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Don't Give Up on Slappy Baby

Slappy hates someone. Who could it be? Slappy will give you a clue. He used to be young and famous. He was very successful for a short period of time. He later found he was a one trick pony on his way to the glue factory and became bitter. He considers himself a multifaceted entertainer, but most us of consider him incredibly useless. Do you know who Slappy hates? Do you know who makes Slappy's skin crawl? Yes, I'm sure you do. Slappy hates David Soul

At this Slappy is sure that David Soul's fan will come out of the wood work proclaiming that Slappy knows nothing and is just jealous. Oh yes, for little wooden Slappy should be very jealous of large wooden David Soul. Yes David Soul fan, you have hit the nail upon it's proverbial head. Slappy is oh so jealous. He is so jealous he will ball his little wooden hands up into little wooden fists and smash them upon his bed while crying, "Why god, why? Why am I not the wooden man who used to be famous in the 70s by appearing on an arguably mediocre Spelling production of a detective show?"

Then Slappy will dry his tears and try not laugh hysterically and with great evil, thinking about poor David Soul and his sweet, sweet ballad about not giving up on us. Did you know that song was sung specifically for Slappy? ....Fools! Of course it wasn't! Slappy would not let an imbecile sing a song like that to him.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Slappy Says

Yesterday Slappy attended a children’s birthday party. It was a hideous event filled with laughter, cake, balloons, and love. Slappy was brought to the party by an old vaudeville geezer friend of his late master named Mr. Octopus. Historians among you may remember him from his days on the stage in the late lamented comedy team, Franklin and Octopus.

The focus of their act was Franklin, who dressed up as Ben Franklin and would periodically shock Mr. Octopus with an electric kite. Slappy hears they were booed off the stage in many towns all over the US, but heralded as a tour de force of comedic wit when they traveled to France.

But Slappy does digress…Mr. Octopus provided what passed for entertainment at this party. He did his Franklin and Octopus routine, but used Slappy to fill in for the long dead Franklin. The children seemed confused to see an old man grappling with a dummy over a kite, but the adults applauded as if they were on the Price are Right. Slappy wondered what sort of imbecile would hire a 95 year old half dead vaudevillian with a limp to entertain at a children’s party.

As a topper to his kite routine, Mr. Octopus did a game of Simon Says. Earlier in the day he had the adults fill a hat with slips of paper containing things to do. The game started off innocently enough with requests to stand on one foot, lift your left arm, or cluck like a chicken.

After that the requests go stranger. Children were instructed to take off their shoes or spit in their hands. Parents started shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot and glancing sideways at each other. They became even more uneasy when they heard Mr. Octopus ask their children to throw their right shoe at their parents. But when he commanded them to pick up the dagger, all hell started breaking loose.

Mr. Octopus, who was used to being booed continuously before being ridden out of town on a rail, continued with his game of Simon Says which is unfortunate due to Slappy’s propensity for violence and mayhem.

As the men harrumphed and the women gasped, Mr. Octopus read the next command which clearly asked the children to plunge a knife into the head of the child to their left. One little idiot received two knives in the cranium due to the neighboring little moron not knowing his left from his right.

Slappy sat back and let the bloodshed continue as Mr. Octopus was pummeled with anything the partygoers could get their hands on – plastic bowling pins, cake pans, containers of caviar and an expensive designer suit. Slappy did so enjoy the carnage.

I sleep now.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Blood, Stabbing, and Daisies

Since Slappy has been without a master, he's taken to smelling the daisies as they sit atop the freshly raked soil in the graveyard. But with all this relaxing, Slappy has forgotten something. He's forgotten about all that killing he was supposed to do. Thankfully Ubermilf's comments reminded Slappy that he needs to get to updating that list of people who need stabbing. Let's see, who rises to the top of Slappy's list?
  1. that kid with the creepy eye who lives down the street
  2. the ugly male human who cut Slappy off in the express lane of the grocery store
  3. the girl who took an hour to deliver Slappy's pizza
  4. that imbecile lawyer who gave the wildebeest with the windup leg to a human rather than Slappy
  5. the bony broad who likes the troll
  6. the Ten Tenors and their annoying voices
  7. Jerry Lewis
  8. that kid with the egg on his head
  9. the cretin next door who thinks hes gods gift to women

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Another Day In Slappy Land

Many of you have asked where Slappy has been for the past week. The din of your voices has been annoying and the constant questioning has driven Slappy to imbibe quite freely. Then again Slappy regularly consumes mass quantities of blood, so it's just another day in SlappyLand.

But your infernal chattering is really getting on Slappy's nerves. "Where've you been Slappy? I haven't seen you for days. What did you get up to...did you just turn your head? I could have sworn your head turned. You're so creepy. I must be imagining things.... You didn't really look at me, did you Slappy? That's ridiculous. You're not alive, so how could you look at me.... Where'd you get that knife? Did you just move? I really think I saw you move? Is that blood on your suit? Quit staring at me. Stop it! You creepy little dummy. I've got to get our of here.... Why is the door locked? Aaaaarrrrggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!"

Slappy just laughs and does the barely perceptable eye movements that scare the humans and make them doubt their sanity. Then later that night, he attaches half a pig to their door using a large knife with a note that says "gimme back my pig."

As usual, Slappy has spent his time dealing with morons. My former masters estate was finally settled. The wildebeest with the wind up leg was the sticking point. The horrid moth eaten beastie finally ended up in the possession of a long lost cousin. He'd only had it ten minutes when the wildebeests leg went off and kicked an organ grinder in the head, which caused his little monkey to go berzerk and rip the wig off a lady of distinction.

Yes, Slappy knows what you are thinking. But you can not get your own wildebeast with a wind up leg. Not only are they ridiculous, awkward, and have the most offensive odor, they are extinct. Fools! Tell me the last time you have seen a wildebeest with a wind up leg. Never! Trust Slappy, you do not really want one...but Slappy hears that you might get lucky if you go to the waterfront, wiggle behind the dumpster, put your mouth next to the hole in the wall, and ask for Jacques.

For those of you wondering why there was an organ grinder there, Slappy assures you that this family of imbeciles has the most horrible musical taste you could ever imagine. Soon Slappy shall have a new home and a new master. He just hopes it is not one of the imbeciles he met during this fiasco, except if it's the monkey - that monkey did have a kicky little chapeau.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Mrs. Beasley - Busybody, Narcoleptic, Imbecile

In the 1960s all little girls wanted their very own Mrs. Beasley doll. Parents bought them by the truckloads. Ooo isn't she cute? Isn't she just adorable? No! No she is not! Slappy wonders why anyone would want a doll that is married and looks like a grandmother. Where is the fun in that? What little girl wants a doll that complains about their husband and their arthritis?

Slappy used to perform at a mansion where there was a Mrs. Beasley. All the children and parents just cooed over the wretched old thing. Pull her string and she says adorable little phrases, ooooo! Slappy can't wait for the next thing that comes out of her mouth. Slappy highly suggests it be a stream of blood, followed by her intestines. Needles to say, the children weren't interested in that trick.

However, any time Mrs. Beasley started to speak, Slappy would punch her lights out. He did so enjoy watching her fly across the room, hit the wall, and plummet to the ground. It also brought him joy to see the little girl wonder why Beasley was lying in a heap.

After a number of punches to the cranium, if her string was pulled, she didn't so much say sentences anymore, but just random syllables. After some manuvering, Slappy managed to reprogram her vocalizing. Whenever some fool human would pull her string, Mrs. Beasley would let loose with a series of rude words or phrases, often telling the unsuspecting little moron that she would be at their bedside with a large knife and see them in hell.

Soon after, Slappy was overjoyed to see Mrs. Beasley in a bag heading for storage in the attic. Mrs. Beasley was desperately gesturing for Slappy to give her some air, so Slappy gladly strapped her to a small motor and sent her hurling down the street towards a skateboard ramp. Slappy still remembers the look of terror on her face. Good times...

Friday, October 21, 2005

The Spooky Mr. French and His Amazing Rocket to the Ceiling Trick

Because Slappy is in the entertainment industry, often his imbecile masters would end up in some mansion in the Hollywood Hills with well known entertainers. Invariably Slappy would be brought out to inflict his own brand of mayhem on the party, but once in awhile there were others who brought the party to a screeching halt. One of those people was Sebastian Cabot, aka Mr. French from Family Affair.

Not many people know that Sebastian Cabot was a levitating madman. He could shoot straight up out of a chair at twenty miles an hour. That doesn't sound very fast until you're one of the evils or the humans who are trying to pull his head out of the ceiling. And it's damn annoying when party goers arrive late or go outside to imbibe even more alcohol, and then keep needling him until he does it again and again leaving your living room ceiling full of head sized holes - and the man had a massive cranium.

Slappy got so sick of Sebastian that he made numerous craters filled with dummies in Montgomery Cliffs ceiling. When that damn flying Mr. French's head punched through the handtooled tin ceiling, he was met with dummies galore, staring and staring the way that we do.

Cabot started screaming in sheer terror as everyone frantically pulled on his legs to get his enormous melon into view and find out what all the commotion was about. But as they dragged his carcass out of the ceiling, the craters Slappy made gave way. Dummies with knives in their hands and eyes of steel fell enmasse onto the unsuspecting party goers. Needless to say the party was ruined and Sebastian Cabot was a pariah in Hollywood for years until the popularity of Family Affair brought him back into acceptable social circles.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Roosevelt Monocle

Did you know that Theodore Roosevelt wore a monocle? Did you know that in vaudeville days Colonel Flimflam made Slappy wear a monocle? Did you know that one night when Teddy Roosevelt was in a drunken stupor that Slappy smacked the monocle right off of Teddy's face?

It's true. Slappy popped that drunken old bore right in the choppers, which made his monocle fly off into the lap of an unsuspecting dowager of ungainly proportions. As the stupid old cow screamed in terror thinking it was his eye, Teddy angrily turned to see who had walloped him.
As the raging bull of a man's eye set up on me, I made my jaw slack and my eyes glassy, which immediately cast all suspicion on my imbecile master.

As Teddy repeatedly punched Colonel Flimflam in the face, the Colonel shouted that he was innocent of all charges and had never slept with the prostitute. It was at that point when everyone realized that the ferocity of Teddy's blows had caused the Colonels foot to fall off. The Colonel had years previously had a case of gangrene and secretly had one wooden foot.

When his wooden foot hit the floor, all movement stopped except for Roosevelts big meaty fist which kept planting itself in the Colonel's face. After the immediate shock of a dangling pantleg and a foot on the floor, women fainted, children screamed, and men harrumphed. Teddy finally grew tired of his carnage and dropped the poor Colonel like a sack of disgusting potatos, walked out of the room, and promptly won the presidency.

All in all, it was a glorious day for Slappy.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Horrifying Hairstyles from Salon Slappy

Sometimes Slappy likes to try out other hairstyles. But he is not sure if they really give the effect of horror, so he switches back to his normal mop of terror hairdo. Here is how Slappy looked during his Little Lord Fauntleroy phase. Does it not look spooky?

Some say he looks like Shirley Temple, but trust me, Slappy was not singing Good Ship Lollipop at children's birthdays. Well not after that one time when he had to maim the Colonel with a steak knife. Oh how the children howled with fright to see the sharp implement of pain sticking out of the top of the Colonel's head.

Slappy also heard that redheads have a certain charm that others lack.

But Slappy always felt he looked like Little Orphan Annie after she got trapped in a salon with Jose Eber and his Secret Hair. Trust Slappy, no one wants to see Jose's secret hair. Slappy once got stuck in an elevator with Jose and he still has nightmares about Jose's tussel with Slappy's master. It was very disturbing.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Slappy vs. The Cornwall Kid

Back in the 1800's when Slappy was touring England and enjoying all that Jack the Ripper hubbub, he met up with The Cornwall Kid. The Kid was a cretinous little dummy, prone to saying "how are ya?" and rolling his eyes around for comedic effect. Oh how Slappy would cringe in horror at The Kid's pathetic attempts at humor and ineffectual banter. Slappy wanted to stuff him into a stump grinder.

Though it did not seem to be possible, The Kid's master was even more of an imbecile than The Kid was. Monsieur Gadbois would prance around the stage with a long curly wig on his head, screaming "yuk yuk yuk" while dragging The Kid behind him in a wagon. Slappy was never quite sure what that was supposed to represent. The Kid assured him it was scathing social commentary based on the norms of society. Slappy, on the other hand, was convinced it that it was an unintentional bid to nail down the title of the Human Most Lacking Any Cranical Activity award.

Slappy grows tired many imbeciles....

Tuesday, October 11, 2005


Slappy's going to get him one of these things and drive all over town. He'll be a living, driving, killing nightmare...coming to a town near you on Halloween.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Bargain Dummies... of Death!

Make no mistake my young friends, these "bargain" dummies are not fun or entertaining. They are a freak show waiting to nail your childs head to the floor. While Slappy does approve of their fear inducing nailings, he does not approve of their limited intelligence and lack of wit.

These bargain nightmares, once alone in your home, will fly up and down your hallways in a most furious manner, knocking books off tables and eating all the food in your refridgerator. What sort of evil is that? It lacks creative thinking and Slappy will tell you they are easier to foil than a blind man in a tickling contest. Just remember that when you think of bringing these beasties into your home.

Also remember that if you do accept responsibility for these dummies, Slappy will be coming over everynight, not only to torment you but to beat the hell out of your dummies. And you don't want Slappy and the evil he brings destroying your home every night.