Thursday, June 30, 2005

Fingers Look Like Carrots

My master has no shame. I was forced to perform at a children's party today. The vile creatures were barely tolerable during our act. Afterwards they went insane in a bizarre sugar induced frenzy.

The horrible little darlings. They persisted in poking me in the eyes and sticking their small carrot-like fingers into my mouth. If only they knew I was only a breath away from impaling them with their party hats. They are lucky I didn't act on my impulse to put arsenic into the frosting on the cake. How I loathe the little humans most of all.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Slappy is waiting

Hello human. Slappy is waiting. Slappy is watching. Slappy is both waiting and watching. When you move, Slappy knows it. Slappy is not god. Slappy is not all knowing. But Slappy has a secret. You will not know it for then Slappy could not wait and he could not watch. Stupid humans.

PS. Slappy has a knife.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Professor Lockjaw gets a right good pummeling

When I was first in London, I was smitten by the glow of the gas lights, the clip clop of the horse drawn carraiges, and that pesky Jack the Ripper fellow. How I loved to watch the constables bumbling about trying to solve his crimes. I took to taunting them by smearing blood on my monocle and leaving a few inches of a bloody knife sticking out of the front of my jacket.

No one suspected me at all, as I sat there, glassy eyed and slack jawed. And that poor halfwit Professor Lockjaw hadn't a clue as to why the constables were giving him an unmercifully brutal pummeling. I had hoped to send another idiot master to the gallows, but he was released upon the testimony of theatre patrons who he had been visiting with at the time of the murder. Oh Professor Lockjaw, some day you will succumb to my deadly plans.

Now that over one hundred years have passed, people are even stupider. After my last performance in which I imitated Jack as he bobbed for apples, an idiot patron commented that Jack was nothing but a character played by Michael Caine in a movie, while another said he was a character in a mystery novel. It was all I could do not to stab them both.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

The imbecile Lockjaw

When I used to travel with Dr. Charlatan, my master was an imbecile named Professor Lockjaw. He actually thought he could throw his voice, being too unbelievably stupid to know that it was in fact my voice he was hearing. That cretin...he wasn't called Lockjaw for nothing.

He would grit his teeth and mutter noises that can only accurately be described as sounding like an organ grinder having a seizure while his monkey screams, "chee chee chee" and clangs a tin cup violently against his own skull. It drove many a patron, resplendent in their finery, into a state of near madness. I still remember a summer night where Sir Arthur Conan Doyle punched Professor Lockjaw straight in the mouth for causing his companion to come down with a case of the vapors.

But nothing topped the ruckus that occurred during the matinee performance attended by Queen Victoria. The backstage area of the theatre was in semi-darkness, and when introduced to Lockjaw, the Queen mistakenly thought I was his small mentally challenged son. I dare say poor Lockjaw was in a state of complete confusion when the queen stated, "An ugly baby is a very nasty object...." Parents in the vicinity promptly dragged their children away, in hopes that the Queen would not pass judgment on the little hooligans.

Though I knew she was referring to me, I could barely contain my evil laughter as daft old Lockjaw paused a few beats before replying, "I dare say, you may be the Queen, but I'll have none of this talk about my nasty otter! It may not be the most attractive one in the world, but you're a good site uglier!" This led to the imbecile Lockjaw being hauled off for a right good pummeling by the Queen's guards. Unfortunately, the misunderstanding come to light before Lockjaw was put to death.

Thursday, June 23, 2005


My Abraham Lincoln disguise kit was used with great success during the 1800s, even after his assassination. Posted by Hello But now it is just an annoyance as my master finds it amusing to dress me as Abe for our appearances on cruise ships.

Lately he has taken to forcing me to debate a lifesized replica of Hannibal Hamlin, which is not only visually disturbing, but its speech is incomprehensibly garbled due to trying to project his voice across the stage without moving his lips. My master fails to see the open mouths of the audience as they gape incredulously at the hideous visage.

I must admit to enjoying the look of horror on one wee tots face as the hulking terror that is Hannibal Hamlin tottered dangerously back and forth before wordlessly slipping over the edge of the stage to land quite undignified in a heap on top of the small child.

Stupid human. How I loathe him. I long for the days when I was peddling medicinal elixir with my beloved Dr. Charlatan. We would have been the toast of England if not for that Jack the Ripper mess which caused such an uproar. No one dared venture out after dark to see our act, and the constable's were imbeciles.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

So much to do, so little time. I am never really idle. I must make a list because there is too much on my mind.

Slappy's Things to Do List:
1) practice art of glassy eyed stare and slack jaw
2) store bloody knives in trunk holding the Fabulous Mr. Wiggles
3) unnerve humans by making my eyes follow them as they walk about the room
4) steal Hostess Snoballs from owner purely for entertainment value
5) make creepy tip tap walking sound when humans are in the next room
6) try to maintain appearance of harmless wooden dummy rather than insane killing machine
7) clean blood spatters off monocle
8) write letter of complaint about ending to that movie, "Magic"
9) explore other options for getting out of trunk
10) master art of subtle changing of position to make humans question their own sanity
11) order top hat and tails to blend in at fancy dress balls
12) put itching powder in owners bed in retaliation for performance at childs birthday party