Sunday, August 28, 2005

The Most Dangerous Game

Here you imbecile humans may cast your eyes on the glory that is Slappy on a 1960s hunting expedition. On this particular day Slappy was very bored. So Slappy took the ammunition out of all the guns and gave it to a small retarded mutant living in a hut up in the mountains. Slappy also gave the mutant a cougar suit. Oh the hilarity that ensued, not for the hunters, but for Slappy. Oh how he laughed and laughed as the cougar suited freak sent round after round into the fleeing hunting party. Ow my side - even to this day, Slappy cries with laughter just thinking about it.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Slappy's Tasty Devil(TM)

Hello imbeciles. What time is it? It's time to eat Slappy's Tasty Devil(TM) brand snack food. It's an amazing new product line that will tempt your tastebuds and tickle your medulla oblongata. You shall consume it, and you shall love it. Each sweet gooey bite comes with a little bit of evil. Did I say evil? I meant love.

Here you see one of our testers enjoying Slappy's Tasty Devil(TM) brand snack food. It's the tasty little snack food in the devil shaped container. So good you can chew it for hours. Slappy's Tasty Devil(TM) - he loves it!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Grandma Slappy Hade's Recipe for Disaster Cake

Preheat large oven to 10,050 degrees. Grease and flour a 6' x 10' pan.

1 horse
1 demon
1 small female human
1 train
1 dragon
1 keg of beer (whatever the dragon will drink the quickest)
1 pint of coffee ice cream
1 small quilt
1 cup paste
1/2 a watermelon
1 furry brown monkey

In a large bowl, grate train, demon, and small quilt. Mix in horse, small female human, dragon (who will have consumed the keg), and 1/2 watermelon. Set aside for half hour to let demon set.

Take furry brown monkey and paste pint of coffee ice cream to his furry mitts. Fold pasted monkey into set demon mixture. Pour into pan and place in oven. Take one step back. Turn on heel. Run quickly, diving behind the hedge fifty feet away. Keep head low until explosion occurs. Remove cake from what is left of pan. Cut into wedges, garnish with love, and serve.

Don't mess with Slappy

They won't be smiling long. This is only the beginning. Slappy is coming.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Sleep Well, Imbeciles

People ask me, "Slappy, why do you usually talk in the third person? Why don't you just say 'I did this.' It'd be easier to understand than saying 'Slappy did this.' It's just too confusing for my inferior human brain."

Slappy hesitates, moves almost imperceptably, and then shows you what the inside of your walls look like. Yes, it's true. There is a portal in your wall, and it's entrance looks like this. Here is where I come tip tip tapping in the dark of night. I can enter any home, and often do. I'm here. I'm wood veneer. Get used to it.

PS. Do not turn your back on Slappy. Slappy will kill you.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Slappy Hates Birthdays

Back in the 1970s, Slappy found that birthday parties could be amusing if you sat with the child and tried to scare him out of his misshapen gourd. There aren't many photos to celebrate Slappys victorious party ruining. However this photo shows the effect of telling a small child how you can enter his house in the middle of the night with a sharp knife. Several seconds later, the dear wee beastie hurled remnants of cake all over his parents. Slappy did so enjoy his child baiting escapades.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

My Motorcycle Ride with a Freak

Back in the late sixties, my master survived mainly by performing at children's parties. Slappy found it pleasing to slip away from these monstrousities and randomly sit on a highway hitchhiking. It unnerved many motorists to see a dummy sitting by the road with a cardboard sign asking for a ride. But some idiots would actually stop and throw me in their car.
But one day, Slappy got picked up by a freak. The impressive human had two heads sticking out of his plaid sports coat. That's right, count them, two heads! One was smart, but the other was cranky and he annoyed Slappy to no end. Yet even the annoyance was a joy compared to performing with my master at a nasty little beasts birthday party.

Oh, how Slappy loved this mutant motorcycle ride. Sun shining, wind blowing, freak driving - how could Slappy ask for more?

Sunday, August 14, 2005

In honor of minion Monkey

Name:Slappy the Zombie
Birthday:Slappy has always been here
Birthplace:Slappy already told you he was not born...imbecile
Current Location:the secret corridor inside the wall of your house
Eye Color:red
Hair Color:brown
Right Handed or Left Handed:I am willing to remove either of your hands
Your Heritage:Oak
The Shoes You Wore Today:ones that go tip tip tip in the dark of night
Your Weakness:Slappy has no weaknesses, stupid human.
Your Fears:Slappy fears nothing.
Your Perfect Pizza:round, cheesy, hot, free
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:master a slight vibration of the eyes that leaves humans questioning their own sanity
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:imbecile
Thoughts First Waking Up:who shall I kill today
Your Best Physical Feature:bright red depths of hell
Your Bedtime:Slappy does not sleep
Your Most Missed Memory:Dr. Charlatan and his Medicinal Elixir
Pepsi or Coke:Dark Red Blood
MacDonalds or Burger King:Sweet Sweet Death
Single or Group Dates:Slappy does not date
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:More Tasty Blood
Chocolate or Vanilla:Only a moron would pick anything other than Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:Knives
Do you Smoke:your are pushing your luck
Do you Swear:yes I am about to swear vengeance on you for bothering me
Do you Sing:I shall sing like a demon when you scream in terror
Do you Shower Daily:Slappy would warp from repeated use of water
Have you Been in Love:Slappy hates all
Do you want to go to College:Slappy has his degree
Do you want to get Married:Slappy does not have such a weakness
Do you belive in yourself:Slappy exists, if you do not believe, you will regret it
Do you get Motion Sickness:only when repeatedly swung at 100mph at 360 degrees
Do you think you are Attractive:Slappy is divine
Are you a Health Freak:You are the freak
Do you get along with your Parents:Idiot! Slappy was not born! Oh these humans are so stupid...
Do you like Thunderstorms:only when I am sharpening my knives
Do you play an Instrument:Bloody Knives
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:I am ripe with elixir
In the past month have you Smoked:Why are you asking me that?
In the past month have you been on Drugs:you are starting to bother me
In the past month have you gone on a Date:Slappy hates you
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:Slappy loathes you intensely now
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:undoubtedly you do not get out much, Slappy will make sure you never get out again
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:don't be ridiculous
In the past month have you been on Stage:repeatedly, my idiot master uses me in his act
In the past month have you been Dumped:only from the stage and my master paid dearly
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:Slappy is skinny but has not dipped
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:Slappy has stolen everything
Ever been Drunk:only on the taste of blood
Ever been called a Tease:just until my knive removes their larynx
Ever been Beaten up:no one makes that mistake twice
Ever Shoplifted:when I need more knives
How do you want to Die:Slappy exists, he does not die, have you not been listening? Idiot!
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:Oh these stupid humans and their inane questions
What country would you most like to Visit:Italy
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:clear
Favourite Hair Color:dark
Short or Long Hair:Slappy does not care for your hair
Height:I can slash anyone of any height
Weight:No, I must continue.
Best Clothing Style:funeral
Number of Drugs I have taken:why are you bothering me with this?
Number of CDs I own:you do not deserve an answer
Number of Piercings:Slappy is not an idiot
Number of Tattoos:Slappy does not let anyone draw on him
Number of things in my Past I Regret:that I did not kill you


From Justin to Kelly...with a hand grenade

This weekend Slappy watched a movie called "From Justin to Kelly". Slappy was told that it had lots of blood in it. But Slappy saw no blood. All Slappy saw was two idiots from American Idol dancing, singing, and wearing clothing that was unflattering. Where was the blood, Slappy asked? But the only answer Slappy got was laughter. So Slappy took a hand grenade and rolled it quietly across the room resulting in plenty of blood spraying upon Justin and Kelly as they danced their stupid dance wearing their stupid tie skirts. Surely watching this movie means that Slappy has already been to hell.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

The Disturbing Mr. Hotdog

Yesterday Slappy was ridiculed by Mr. Hotdog. The swine meatmonger was lucky I did not cut him to ribbons! No one talks to Slappy that way. And why would one known by such a ridiculous inane moniker stoop to taunting one who is oh so wooden and oh so evil? He knows not what he's done. If anyone finds Mr. Hotdog floating face down in a pool of ketchup with relish on his open wounds, don't look at Slappy. Slappy knows nothing about it.

But Slappy does have a question. If there was a strange man in the neighborhood calling himself Mr. Hotdog, parents would send their children running in the opposite direction. But when a strange man called Mr. Hotdog is selling ice cream from a truck, parents practically push their children into his waiting arms.

Slappy finds young minds very pliable and he is in need of more minions. Slappy is thinking perhaps he needs an ice cream truck.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

The Moron Mountebank

Slappy doesn't like it when humans assume he is an idiot. Slappy is no idiot. It is you who are the idiots! If only my master was not a dunce, I should be free to run about as I wished under cover of darkness. But no, my master is an imbecile and he insists on performing at childrens parties and on cruise ships.

Yesterday my moronic master, who is still calling himself Prophet Mountebank, took me on a seven hour cruise. We were the entertainment, such as it was. Mountebank's bizarre predictions provoked laughter, confusion, and anger. What do they expect from a man with only a partially functioning brainstem?

Granted his soothsaying is most inadequate. Telling wealthy widows they'll soon be marrying fireplugs, and urging young girls to dumb it down so they can find a husband is sure to alienate many of the patrons. However, I do so enjoy the after effect of his predictions. There is nothing I enjoy more than watching him ward off the blows of umbrellas and fists, and hearing a shrill scream leaves his mouth as he disappears in a sea of angry faces. His agony continued for several hours as on a ship there is no place to run.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Slappy's To Do List

Always with the lists, always with the things to do...Slappy grows tired of falling behind in his work due to his imbecile master's lack of cranial functioning. Must work on finishing the following before dragged off on another cruise ship.

  1. switch my masters cinnamon and chili powder after putting vinegar in his water bottle
  2. smite the small child next door for putting a rotten cabbage on my head
  3. practice almost imperceptable opening of jaw to unnerve adults
  4. order more googely eyes
  5. help little old lady cross the street, then scream like banshee until she drops
  6. replace my idiot masters Folgers crystals with dirt
  7. get a right jolly good laugh stealing frosting from cakes with children taking blame
  8. get to bed at a reasonable hour
  9. find that kid who rubbed dirt in my hair and make him sleep the sleep of fear
  10. steal knives, sharpen knives, use knives, hide knives

Friday, August 05, 2005

Basketballs are Evil

Slappy does not like the sound of one hundred basketballs dribbling. But what Slappy likes even less is the sound a basketball bouncing off his skull. Ohhhh....stupid human Slappy will not let this go unpunished. My master shall pay for this as well. He shall pay dearly.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Squirrel of the Damned

Some children ask me, "Slappy, are you a killing machine? You seem to want my blood. What's that big needle for? Do you really need all those knives? Why are you looking at mey that way, Slappy? I thought you were my friend. What's that under the table? Did you just try to stab me? You aren't real, are you? My dad says you can't hurt me. I think you're evil but no one will believe me. What are you doing? Don't come any closer. If you don't stop that I'm going to scream. Why are you smiling? Is that a real dagger? I don't...."

Slappy can't take this constant chattering. The interrogation is over. Slappy stands triumphant and another human is disposed of properly as a small fuzzy squirrel forages for food in a neighboring garden. But do not let down your guard my friend, for it is a squirrel of the damned and it will kill you. Slappy has warned you. Now Slappy waits for the carnage he knows will come.