Monday, October 24, 2005

Mrs. Beasley - Busybody, Narcoleptic, Imbecile

In the 1960s all little girls wanted their very own Mrs. Beasley doll. Parents bought them by the truckloads. Ooo isn't she cute? Isn't she just adorable? No! No she is not! Slappy wonders why anyone would want a doll that is married and looks like a grandmother. Where is the fun in that? What little girl wants a doll that complains about their husband and their arthritis?

Slappy used to perform at a mansion where there was a Mrs. Beasley. All the children and parents just cooed over the wretched old thing. Pull her string and she says adorable little phrases, ooooo! Slappy can't wait for the next thing that comes out of her mouth. Slappy highly suggests it be a stream of blood, followed by her intestines. Needles to say, the children weren't interested in that trick.

However, any time Mrs. Beasley started to speak, Slappy would punch her lights out. He did so enjoy watching her fly across the room, hit the wall, and plummet to the ground. It also brought him joy to see the little girl wonder why Beasley was lying in a heap.

After a number of punches to the cranium, if her string was pulled, she didn't so much say sentences anymore, but just random syllables. After some manuvering, Slappy managed to reprogram her vocalizing. Whenever some fool human would pull her string, Mrs. Beasley would let loose with a series of rude words or phrases, often telling the unsuspecting little moron that she would be at their bedside with a large knife and see them in hell.

Soon after, Slappy was overjoyed to see Mrs. Beasley in a bag heading for storage in the attic. Mrs. Beasley was desperately gesturing for Slappy to give her some air, so Slappy gladly strapped her to a small motor and sent her hurling down the street towards a skateboard ramp. Slappy still remembers the look of terror on her face. Good times...

Friday, October 21, 2005

The Spooky Mr. French and His Amazing Rocket to the Ceiling Trick

Because Slappy is in the entertainment industry, often his imbecile masters would end up in some mansion in the Hollywood Hills with well known entertainers. Invariably Slappy would be brought out to inflict his own brand of mayhem on the party, but once in awhile there were others who brought the party to a screeching halt. One of those people was Sebastian Cabot, aka Mr. French from Family Affair.

Not many people know that Sebastian Cabot was a levitating madman. He could shoot straight up out of a chair at twenty miles an hour. That doesn't sound very fast until you're one of the evils or the humans who are trying to pull his head out of the ceiling. And it's damn annoying when party goers arrive late or go outside to imbibe even more alcohol, and then keep needling him until he does it again and again leaving your living room ceiling full of head sized holes - and the man had a massive cranium.

Slappy got so sick of Sebastian that he made numerous craters filled with dummies in Montgomery Cliffs ceiling. When that damn flying Mr. French's head punched through the handtooled tin ceiling, he was met with dummies galore, staring and staring the way that we do.

Cabot started screaming in sheer terror as everyone frantically pulled on his legs to get his enormous melon into view and find out what all the commotion was about. But as they dragged his carcass out of the ceiling, the craters Slappy made gave way. Dummies with knives in their hands and eyes of steel fell enmasse onto the unsuspecting party goers. Needless to say the party was ruined and Sebastian Cabot was a pariah in Hollywood for years until the popularity of Family Affair brought him back into acceptable social circles.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Roosevelt Monocle

Did you know that Theodore Roosevelt wore a monocle? Did you know that in vaudeville days Colonel Flimflam made Slappy wear a monocle? Did you know that one night when Teddy Roosevelt was in a drunken stupor that Slappy smacked the monocle right off of Teddy's face?

It's true. Slappy popped that drunken old bore right in the choppers, which made his monocle fly off into the lap of an unsuspecting dowager of ungainly proportions. As the stupid old cow screamed in terror thinking it was his eye, Teddy angrily turned to see who had walloped him.
As the raging bull of a man's eye set up on me, I made my jaw slack and my eyes glassy, which immediately cast all suspicion on my imbecile master.

As Teddy repeatedly punched Colonel Flimflam in the face, the Colonel shouted that he was innocent of all charges and had never slept with the prostitute. It was at that point when everyone realized that the ferocity of Teddy's blows had caused the Colonels foot to fall off. The Colonel had years previously had a case of gangrene and secretly had one wooden foot.

When his wooden foot hit the floor, all movement stopped except for Roosevelts big meaty fist which kept planting itself in the Colonel's face. After the immediate shock of a dangling pantleg and a foot on the floor, women fainted, children screamed, and men harrumphed. Teddy finally grew tired of his carnage and dropped the poor Colonel like a sack of disgusting potatos, walked out of the room, and promptly won the presidency.

All in all, it was a glorious day for Slappy.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Horrifying Hairstyles from Salon Slappy

Sometimes Slappy likes to try out other hairstyles. But he is not sure if they really give the effect of horror, so he switches back to his normal mop of terror hairdo. Here is how Slappy looked during his Little Lord Fauntleroy phase. Does it not look spooky?

Some say he looks like Shirley Temple, but trust me, Slappy was not singing Good Ship Lollipop at children's birthdays. Well not after that one time when he had to maim the Colonel with a steak knife. Oh how the children howled with fright to see the sharp implement of pain sticking out of the top of the Colonel's head.

Slappy also heard that redheads have a certain charm that others lack.

But Slappy always felt he looked like Little Orphan Annie after she got trapped in a salon with Jose Eber and his Secret Hair. Trust Slappy, no one wants to see Jose's secret hair. Slappy once got stuck in an elevator with Jose and he still has nightmares about Jose's tussel with Slappy's master. It was very disturbing.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Slappy vs. The Cornwall Kid

Back in the 1800's when Slappy was touring England and enjoying all that Jack the Ripper hubbub, he met up with The Cornwall Kid. The Kid was a cretinous little dummy, prone to saying "how are ya?" and rolling his eyes around for comedic effect. Oh how Slappy would cringe in horror at The Kid's pathetic attempts at humor and ineffectual banter. Slappy wanted to stuff him into a stump grinder.

Though it did not seem to be possible, The Kid's master was even more of an imbecile than The Kid was. Monsieur Gadbois would prance around the stage with a long curly wig on his head, screaming "yuk yuk yuk" while dragging The Kid behind him in a wagon. Slappy was never quite sure what that was supposed to represent. The Kid assured him it was scathing social commentary based on the norms of society. Slappy, on the other hand, was convinced it that it was an unintentional bid to nail down the title of the Human Most Lacking Any Cranical Activity award.

Slappy grows tired many imbeciles....

Tuesday, October 11, 2005


Slappy's going to get him one of these things and drive all over town. He'll be a living, driving, killing nightmare...coming to a town near you on Halloween.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Bargain Dummies... of Death!

Make no mistake my young friends, these "bargain" dummies are not fun or entertaining. They are a freak show waiting to nail your childs head to the floor. While Slappy does approve of their fear inducing nailings, he does not approve of their limited intelligence and lack of wit.

These bargain nightmares, once alone in your home, will fly up and down your hallways in a most furious manner, knocking books off tables and eating all the food in your refridgerator. What sort of evil is that? It lacks creative thinking and Slappy will tell you they are easier to foil than a blind man in a tickling contest. Just remember that when you think of bringing these beasties into your home.

Also remember that if you do accept responsibility for these dummies, Slappy will be coming over everynight, not only to torment you but to beat the hell out of your dummies. And you don't want Slappy and the evil he brings destroying your home every night.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Slappy Meets Another Idiot

Slappy had a very odd experience today. He has investigated the adult content spam that always appears on Slappy's blog. In his wanderings, Slappy stumbled upon a nightmare in human form. Slappy is confused, but if there's one thing Slappy knows, it's that this human is an imbecile!

Hi Slappy, you have an interesting name.
Slappy is very interesting.
You look interesting.
Imbecile! Slappy has already told you he is interesting.
You look hot.
Slappy is a comfortable temperature.
Slappy….do you slap people?
Slappy would like to punch you.
I like to be slapped.
If Slappy ever sees you he will slap the hell out of you.
That sounds fun.
Slappy hates you.
That makes me like you more.
You are an idiot!
I need to be put in my place.
Slappy knows a good place to put your body.
I have a nice body. See my boobs? They are 42DD.
Slappy is 1’ 10”.
???!!! That’s amazing!
Slappy is extremely amazing. He is made out of wood.
I love wood.
Slappy has a friend made out of oak.
Tell me about your wood.
Are you still bothering Slappy?
I like you.
I loathe you. You lack cranial activity.
No one is 1’10”?
Slappy doesn’t lie.
But 1’10” isn’t humanly possible.
Slappy did not say he was human.
I like role playing.
You are an imbecile.
Yes, I’m not worthy. Punish me.
Slappy will gladly punish you. He has a very sharp knife with your name on it.
Sounds deliciously dangerous.
Slappy will creep into your house in the middle of the night with his knife.
I’m alone in my bedroom.
Slappy will sneak into your bedroom. You will not know he is there.
I think I hear you at the foot of my bed.
Imbecile! Slappy can not be heard!
Okay, I have no idea you’re in the room.
Fool! Now Slappy has lost his train of thought. It is such a dangerous train, you do not want Slappy to lose it.
You’re at the foot of my bed…
Yes, Slappy creeps up your bedspread with his razor sharp knife. When you least expect it, Slappy will be there and you shall be terrified!
I’m going to scream.
Slappy would make you scream many times.
Sounds delish!
Fool! You are unbelievably stupid!
I can’t wait.
You won’t be waiting long. You’re at the top of Slappy’s “things to stick a knife in” list.
Is that what you call your wood?
Slappy hates you. You can be sure that Slappy’s knife will cut you again and again until you scream.
I love guys who make me scream. What would you do next?
Are you still there?
I’m waiting for you Slappy
Why are you still bothering me? Usually once Slappy uses knives on the humans, they do not speak. They lie there in a pool of blood.
Um... that’s a little creepy, but I like you.
Slappy is done with you.
Can I touch your knife Slappy?
Fool! Slappy will not give you his knife. How stupid do you think he is?
But I want to touch it.
You are a moron of immense proportions! You do not need a knife when you are dead.
Do not bother Slappy with your request for knives. You will not need them. Slappy brings sweet death!
Uhhhhh, what?
Imbecile! Are you not dead yet? Slappy thought he had buried you by now. Where do you live? Slappy must finish what he started. Where are you? Imbecile! Don’t provoke Slappy!

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Monocle Wrath

Slappy was looking at the keyword searches used to find his blog, and at the top of the list was monocle wrath. Slappy has never talked about monocle wrath, but he has spoken often of his wrath and of polishing his monocle. Most humans do not even know of this monocle wrath. Then again most humans do not wear monocles. But most importantly, most humans are imbeciles without monocles.

Slappy does not want to betray the sanctity of monocle wrath, but he will tell you that only those who are truly evil can survive becoming it's unsuspecting victim. How Slappy laughs at the idiots who shall bring monocle wrath upon their own pointy little heads without ever realizing they are to blame for their monocle clad fate.

So if a large monocle looms up out of the dark recesses of your home and asks you to lie face down on the ground before it commences to make you wish you'd never been born, don't blame Slappy.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Revolving Door of Horror

Minion Monkey speaks of this Tool of the Oracle that will reveal my true nature. Let us see if that is true.

1. Delve into your blog archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.

Results: from the July 26 entry about my stupid master
I kept all my weight against the door so that he couldn't get out.

Hmmm, Slappy is not sure that is an accurate interpretation of his true nature. It sounds as if Slappy is only containing someone in a room, when he is actually keeping his masters head stuck in a revolving door. It was quite painful for my master, and quite amusing for Slappy. Oh how Slappy did laugh. Good times....