Monday, October 24, 2005

Mrs. Beasley - Busybody, Narcoleptic, Imbecile

In the 1960s all little girls wanted their very own Mrs. Beasley doll. Parents bought them by the truckloads. Ooo isn't she cute? Isn't she just adorable? No! No she is not! Slappy wonders why anyone would want a doll that is married and looks like a grandmother. Where is the fun in that? What little girl wants a doll that complains about their husband and their arthritis?

Slappy used to perform at a mansion where there was a Mrs. Beasley. All the children and parents just cooed over the wretched old thing. Pull her string and she says adorable little phrases, ooooo! Slappy can't wait for the next thing that comes out of her mouth. Slappy highly suggests it be a stream of blood, followed by her intestines. Needles to say, the children weren't interested in that trick.

However, any time Mrs. Beasley started to speak, Slappy would punch her lights out. He did so enjoy watching her fly across the room, hit the wall, and plummet to the ground. It also brought him joy to see the little girl wonder why Beasley was lying in a heap.

After a number of punches to the cranium, if her string was pulled, she didn't so much say sentences anymore, but just random syllables. After some manuvering, Slappy managed to reprogram her vocalizing. Whenever some fool human would pull her string, Mrs. Beasley would let loose with a series of rude words or phrases, often telling the unsuspecting little moron that she would be at their bedside with a large knife and see them in hell.

Soon after, Slappy was overjoyed to see Mrs. Beasley in a bag heading for storage in the attic. Mrs. Beasley was desperately gesturing for Slappy to give her some air, so Slappy gladly strapped her to a small motor and sent her hurling down the street towards a skateboard ramp. Slappy still remembers the look of terror on her face. Good times...


Blogger Monica said...

I did not believe it possible, but your treatment of Mrs. Beasley has made me feel more evily inclined to carry out your plans.

Sorry about the Barbie Heads, I was on a spree and have twin nieces that needed a "lesson"

4:49 PM  
Blogger Calzone said...

Slappy..whats up? Quick qustion..what the Hell do you do all day and night. I mean you don't sleep. What do you think about??

7:02 PM  
Blogger Übermilf said...

I had a talking Bozo doll when I was little. He looked sweet and innocent in his little polka-dotted suit with the big white pom poms, but in the middle of the night, even when no one was touching him, he'd belt out "Whoa, Nelly" or "Doo do do do Doodly doo" at the top of his voice to wake up my entire family. Then I'd get in trouble, even though I didn't pull his string. Then he'd smirk at me.

Did you know him?

9:36 AM  
Blogger Alistair! said...

Oh that story so excited me. I'm sure that I won't sleep tonight.Please come and visit me and teach me a lesson.

12:11 AM  
Blogger Monkey said...

I never knew that Mrs. Beasley was a narcoleptic. This explains so much.

I'm sorry that she didn't enjoy her skateboard ride. Ungrateful woman.

9:45 AM  
Blogger Slappy the Zombie said...

Slappy finds the talking Bozo doll slightly creepy, but impossibly stupid. Shouting "woah Nelly" was Bozo's idea of a good time. Slappy's idea of a good time was making sure Bozo accidentally on purpose found his way into a stump grinder.

Either that or placing Bozo at the foot of the bed of a child who did not own a Bozo doll. It was very unnerving for the whole family.

Minons Monkey and Monica, I need you to help me creepy crawl Alistairs house tonight. Bring the duct tape and a very large body bag.

Oh Calzone... sweet little clueless Lothario Calzone. Slappy thinks about many things throughout his day, but they are too scary to mention. Suffice to say Slappy puts a lot of thought into giving children nervous ticks and causing adults to lose their sanity - and those are the nice things. Slappy can't let you know about the evil as he needs his secrets to carry out mayhem.

7:17 PM  
Blogger Willy Jo said...

yo slappy you keep starring at me like that and i'm libel to knock yer goddam hed 360º around old skool syle. you dum splintarded wooden quar.

3:13 PM  
Blogger Alistair! said...

I need pills. More pills. I waited all night and no one came.

8:12 PM  
Blogger Satan said...

I didn't know Mrs Beasley, this is very insightful for me though.

I think she would have been a lot more fun to have around if she'd been one of those dolls that could drink and then pee. Old people are always peeing themselves, especially when you or I come to visit.

An old person peeing doll would not only been true to life but also very funny depending on the colour of the liquid she drank. I can just see a bright pink stream of liquid arcing through the air as she went off the skateboard jump. Ahhhh, beautiful.

10:12 PM  
Blogger Slappy the Zombie said...

Slappy always tries to stay away from the bodily functions of humans. Have you seen Slappy's hair? That's when it's clean, imagine the horror when it's dirty.

Willy Jo, your butt is just asking for trouble. Slappy's not interested in your hinder. However if there's evil around, you don't want your expansive flesh globes exposed.

My dear Alistair, Slappy was there. You did not see him. Slappy was breathing down your neck at one point.

11:00 AM  
Blogger Willy Jo said...

no wunder they call yer kind dummy's. wat in the goddam hell are you talikin about?

im gonna have to give you a good ole skool dry humping just like i did my eldest female cusins wooden leg. i'm not even worried about the splinters, i like splinters.

11:38 AM  
Blogger Slappy the Zombie said...

Sigh, that is just the response Slappy expects from someone named Willy Jo whose lurid mud flaps are so prominently displayed.

2:15 PM  
Blogger Willy Jo said...

oops i had a typo an/er a mispellin on my last blob comment so i deleted it you dum batches.
anyhoo heers my last comment to this'n heer wooden quar.

"sigh" ???

is that all the great slappy's got?

perty pompous but that's ok i like pompous wooden little quars.

4:06 PM  
Blogger Übermilf said...

Slappy, I thought you had a Portal of Terror, but you've got nothing on Willy Jo's.

4:15 PM  
Blogger Übermilf said...

Oh, my sweet little wooden boy, I miss you when I don't hear from you for days and days.

Are you having fun getting into mischief? You are such a scamp!

I can't wait to hear about all your adventures when you get back!


4:01 PM  
Blogger Slappy the Zombie said...

Yes, Slappy is a scamp. Slappy is surprised you mentioned that as most humans think of Slappy as a terror or just scream and fall into a heap.

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