Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Roosevelt Monocle

Did you know that Theodore Roosevelt wore a monocle? Did you know that in vaudeville days Colonel Flimflam made Slappy wear a monocle? Did you know that one night when Teddy Roosevelt was in a drunken stupor that Slappy smacked the monocle right off of Teddy's face?

It's true. Slappy popped that drunken old bore right in the choppers, which made his monocle fly off into the lap of an unsuspecting dowager of ungainly proportions. As the stupid old cow screamed in terror thinking it was his eye, Teddy angrily turned to see who had walloped him.
As the raging bull of a man's eye set up on me, I made my jaw slack and my eyes glassy, which immediately cast all suspicion on my imbecile master.

As Teddy repeatedly punched Colonel Flimflam in the face, the Colonel shouted that he was innocent of all charges and had never slept with the prostitute. It was at that point when everyone realized that the ferocity of Teddy's blows had caused the Colonels foot to fall off. The Colonel had years previously had a case of gangrene and secretly had one wooden foot.

When his wooden foot hit the floor, all movement stopped except for Roosevelts big meaty fist which kept planting itself in the Colonel's face. After the immediate shock of a dangling pantleg and a foot on the floor, women fainted, children screamed, and men harrumphed. Teddy finally grew tired of his carnage and dropped the poor Colonel like a sack of disgusting potatos, walked out of the room, and promptly won the presidency.

All in all, it was a glorious day for Slappy.

34 Comments:

Blogger Willy Jo said...

somhow this comment just orbed up through time and space from the comment below.


i will take one of yer slappys. du you have any that resembel the baby jesus? er is slappy one of those ironing megaforces that dusnt reely exist. are you slappy?

5:04 PM  
Blogger Alistair! said...

Oh Slappy, that was an edifying and, dare I say it, exciting account. I'm all flushed now. I think I shall take a cold shower. May I gamaruche you?

7:30 PM  
Blogger Monkey said...

I had no idea that Teddy had meaty fists! This was truly educational. Slappy, you always pick the best masters. Do you attribute Teddy's winning the election to the pumelling of Colonel Flimflam? I imagine it was quite the newsworthy item.

10:45 AM  
Blogger Übermilf said...

Why weren't you at this meeting?

Surely they could've used your brilliant mind.

11:14 PM  
Blogger Satan said...

I really enjoy beating up on Teddy bears, one of my favourite past times in fact.

I just storm in to some little kids bedroom in the dead of night and give his cute faced furry little friend a good thwacking and then I'm out the door before the parents can blame it on anything other than a nightmare.

Later I sit in dark alley ways swollen with pride and a sense of satisfaction that can only be gained by frightening the hell out of small children.

Then, I lay back in the nearest pile of rat droppings and old-drunk-homeless-man-vomit, fall asleep and wistfully dream of the day you first gave me the idea by smacking the monocle right off of Teddy's face.

6:11 AM  
Blogger captain_howdy_girl said...

cool, whos Theodore Roosevelt? ;)

10:28 AM  
Blogger Calzone said...

Satan's not nearly as cool as he used to be.

11:49 AM  
Blogger Monkey said...

Don't taunt the dummy Veggie, lest he enter your home through a portal of evil.

I try my best not to taunt Slappy. although at times I can't help myself, like the day I wished him a Happy Birthday.

11:58 AM  
Blogger Übermilf said...

I'm constantly taunting Slappy, but he's never entered my portal of evil, no matter how much I want him to.

1:42 PM  
Blogger Monkey said...

I think he is secretly afraid of the Ubergirls Super Powers. For all of his evil, little girls with imaginations frighten him.

Now he will be coming after me... his faithful minion. I must hide.

8:10 PM  
Blogger Übermilf said...

I think you're right, monkey. He may talk big now, but wait until he's confronted with giggling girls with markers, glitter and glue.

9:37 PM  
Blogger Alistair! said...

Slappy is my anti-hero. Slappy woods! Slappy is the pinnacle of terror, or is that spinaker ot terror? Who knows. I bow down to his greatness.

9:59 PM  
Blogger Slappy the Zombie said...

Markers, glitter and glue can not stop Slappy. He is all knowing and does not come at the times that the giggling girls have these inferior products. They can't stop evil, but being covered with glitter does it make it extremely difficult to scare people.

And yes, Teddy's fists were meaty. They were so meaty that he could use them to make his own semi-tasty boullion called "Big Teddy's Meaty Fisty Cubes of Bullion" It was sold in Alaska, Guam, and some unidentifiable foreign countries where no one knew any better.

10:11 AM  
Blogger Slappy the Zombie said...

Satan, I must admit smacking the monocle off Teddy's face was actually a tribute to your removing the wooden teeth from George Washington's mouth as he snored through Thomas Jefferson's speech about how great the French were.

Alistair is smart to bow down to Slappy. He is much smarter than Ubermilf with her taunting and her glitter. Don't think Slappy hasn't entered your home yet, because he has and you've got some cleaning to do.

10:18 AM  
Blogger Monica said...

Oh Great Slappy, I am been remiss in my servitude and bow down now in preparation for a solid "thwack*

11:31 AM  
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