Thursday, November 17, 2005

Senor Octopus is Dead

Yesterday Slappy was bundled into a car and brought to a funeral parlor. Slappy was confused as his master had already been planted in the ground. Yet Slappy was ready to kick up his heels and swing from the chandeliers, if given a chance. That is when Slappy learned that Mr. Octopus was dead due to the beating he received after the party where he told children to stick knives in their friends heads during a rousing game of Simon Says.

Due to a Mr. Octopus being completely delusional during his last request, which was deemed legally binding, the pallbearers were three former vaudevillians, a horse named Elmo, a small statue of the Pope, and Slappy. The mourners struggled with how to accomodate Mr. Octopus's last wishes, yet still manage to get his stupid corpse into the ground.

A resolution was found when former world's strongest man, Magnus von Magnusson, volunteered to heft old Octopus into the hole in the ground. The vaudevillians huddled around the front of the coffin, while the Pope statue and Slappy were hung off it's side. Slappy did so enjoy his ride and promptly broke the head off the Pope. David Soul had wanted to attend the funeral, but he could not. Slappy bets David was making phone calls and patting roosters.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Don't Give Up on Slappy Baby

Slappy hates someone. Who could it be? Slappy will give you a clue. He used to be young and famous. He was very successful for a short period of time. He later found he was a one trick pony on his way to the glue factory and became bitter. He considers himself a multifaceted entertainer, but most us of consider him incredibly useless. Do you know who Slappy hates? Do you know who makes Slappy's skin crawl? Yes, I'm sure you do. Slappy hates David Soul

At this Slappy is sure that David Soul's fan will come out of the wood work proclaiming that Slappy knows nothing and is just jealous. Oh yes, for little wooden Slappy should be very jealous of large wooden David Soul. Yes David Soul fan, you have hit the nail upon it's proverbial head. Slappy is oh so jealous. He is so jealous he will ball his little wooden hands up into little wooden fists and smash them upon his bed while crying, "Why god, why? Why am I not the wooden man who used to be famous in the 70s by appearing on an arguably mediocre Spelling production of a detective show?"

Then Slappy will dry his tears and try not laugh hysterically and with great evil, thinking about poor David Soul and his sweet, sweet ballad about not giving up on us. Did you know that song was sung specifically for Slappy? ....Fools! Of course it wasn't! Slappy would not let an imbecile sing a song like that to him.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Slappy Says

Yesterday Slappy attended a children’s birthday party. It was a hideous event filled with laughter, cake, balloons, and love. Slappy was brought to the party by an old vaudeville geezer friend of his late master named Mr. Octopus. Historians among you may remember him from his days on the stage in the late lamented comedy team, Franklin and Octopus.

The focus of their act was Franklin, who dressed up as Ben Franklin and would periodically shock Mr. Octopus with an electric kite. Slappy hears they were booed off the stage in many towns all over the US, but heralded as a tour de force of comedic wit when they traveled to France.

But Slappy does digress…Mr. Octopus provided what passed for entertainment at this party. He did his Franklin and Octopus routine, but used Slappy to fill in for the long dead Franklin. The children seemed confused to see an old man grappling with a dummy over a kite, but the adults applauded as if they were on the Price are Right. Slappy wondered what sort of imbecile would hire a 95 year old half dead vaudevillian with a limp to entertain at a children’s party.

As a topper to his kite routine, Mr. Octopus did a game of Simon Says. Earlier in the day he had the adults fill a hat with slips of paper containing things to do. The game started off innocently enough with requests to stand on one foot, lift your left arm, or cluck like a chicken.

After that the requests go stranger. Children were instructed to take off their shoes or spit in their hands. Parents started shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot and glancing sideways at each other. They became even more uneasy when they heard Mr. Octopus ask their children to throw their right shoe at their parents. But when he commanded them to pick up the dagger, all hell started breaking loose.

Mr. Octopus, who was used to being booed continuously before being ridden out of town on a rail, continued with his game of Simon Says which is unfortunate due to Slappy’s propensity for violence and mayhem.

As the men harrumphed and the women gasped, Mr. Octopus read the next command which clearly asked the children to plunge a knife into the head of the child to their left. One little idiot received two knives in the cranium due to the neighboring little moron not knowing his left from his right.

Slappy sat back and let the bloodshed continue as Mr. Octopus was pummeled with anything the partygoers could get their hands on – plastic bowling pins, cake pans, containers of caviar and an expensive designer suit. Slappy did so enjoy the carnage.

I sleep now.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Blood, Stabbing, and Daisies

Since Slappy has been without a master, he's taken to smelling the daisies as they sit atop the freshly raked soil in the graveyard. But with all this relaxing, Slappy has forgotten something. He's forgotten about all that killing he was supposed to do. Thankfully Ubermilf's comments reminded Slappy that he needs to get to updating that list of people who need stabbing. Let's see, who rises to the top of Slappy's list?
  1. that kid with the creepy eye who lives down the street
  2. the ugly male human who cut Slappy off in the express lane of the grocery store
  3. the girl who took an hour to deliver Slappy's pizza
  4. that imbecile lawyer who gave the wildebeest with the windup leg to a human rather than Slappy
  5. the bony broad who likes the troll
  6. the Ten Tenors and their annoying voices
  7. Jerry Lewis
  8. that kid with the egg on his head
  9. the cretin next door who thinks hes gods gift to women

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Another Day In Slappy Land

Many of you have asked where Slappy has been for the past week. The din of your voices has been annoying and the constant questioning has driven Slappy to imbibe quite freely. Then again Slappy regularly consumes mass quantities of blood, so it's just another day in SlappyLand.

But your infernal chattering is really getting on Slappy's nerves. "Where've you been Slappy? I haven't seen you for days. What did you get up to...did you just turn your head? I could have sworn your head turned. You're so creepy. I must be imagining things.... You didn't really look at me, did you Slappy? That's ridiculous. You're not alive, so how could you look at me.... Where'd you get that knife? Did you just move? I really think I saw you move? Is that blood on your suit? Quit staring at me. Stop it! You creepy little dummy. I've got to get our of here.... Why is the door locked? Aaaaarrrrggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!"

Slappy just laughs and does the barely perceptable eye movements that scare the humans and make them doubt their sanity. Then later that night, he attaches half a pig to their door using a large knife with a note that says "gimme back my pig."

As usual, Slappy has spent his time dealing with morons. My former masters estate was finally settled. The wildebeest with the wind up leg was the sticking point. The horrid moth eaten beastie finally ended up in the possession of a long lost cousin. He'd only had it ten minutes when the wildebeests leg went off and kicked an organ grinder in the head, which caused his little monkey to go berzerk and rip the wig off a lady of distinction.

Yes, Slappy knows what you are thinking. But you can not get your own wildebeast with a wind up leg. Not only are they ridiculous, awkward, and have the most offensive odor, they are extinct. Fools! Tell me the last time you have seen a wildebeest with a wind up leg. Never! Trust Slappy, you do not really want one...but Slappy hears that you might get lucky if you go to the waterfront, wiggle behind the dumpster, put your mouth next to the hole in the wall, and ask for Jacques.

For those of you wondering why there was an organ grinder there, Slappy assures you that this family of imbeciles has the most horrible musical taste you could ever imagine. Soon Slappy shall have a new home and a new master. He just hopes it is not one of the imbeciles he met during this fiasco, except if it's the monkey - that monkey did have a kicky little chapeau.