Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Another Day In Slappy Land

Many of you have asked where Slappy has been for the past week. The din of your voices has been annoying and the constant questioning has driven Slappy to imbibe quite freely. Then again Slappy regularly consumes mass quantities of blood, so it's just another day in SlappyLand.

But your infernal chattering is really getting on Slappy's nerves. "Where've you been Slappy? I haven't seen you for days. What did you get up to...did you just turn your head? I could have sworn your head turned. You're so creepy. I must be imagining things.... You didn't really look at me, did you Slappy? That's ridiculous. You're not alive, so how could you look at me.... Where'd you get that knife? Did you just move? I really think I saw you move? Is that blood on your suit? Quit staring at me. Stop it! You creepy little dummy. I've got to get our of here.... Why is the door locked? Aaaaarrrrggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!"

Slappy just laughs and does the barely perceptable eye movements that scare the humans and make them doubt their sanity. Then later that night, he attaches half a pig to their door using a large knife with a note that says "gimme back my pig."

As usual, Slappy has spent his time dealing with morons. My former masters estate was finally settled. The wildebeest with the wind up leg was the sticking point. The horrid moth eaten beastie finally ended up in the possession of a long lost cousin. He'd only had it ten minutes when the wildebeests leg went off and kicked an organ grinder in the head, which caused his little monkey to go berzerk and rip the wig off a lady of distinction.

Yes, Slappy knows what you are thinking. But you can not get your own wildebeast with a wind up leg. Not only are they ridiculous, awkward, and have the most offensive odor, they are extinct. Fools! Tell me the last time you have seen a wildebeest with a wind up leg. Never! Trust Slappy, you do not really want one...but Slappy hears that you might get lucky if you go to the waterfront, wiggle behind the dumpster, put your mouth next to the hole in the wall, and ask for Jacques.

For those of you wondering why there was an organ grinder there, Slappy assures you that this family of imbeciles has the most horrible musical taste you could ever imagine. Soon Slappy shall have a new home and a new master. He just hopes it is not one of the imbeciles he met during this fiasco, except if it's the monkey - that monkey did have a kicky little chapeau.

11 Comments:

Blogger Übermilf said...

Ooh, ooh! Pick me, Pick me! I'm all ready for you to move in.

Can you kill my park district board first, before they ruin my park by putting in more soccer fields? You can do whatever you want after that.

Do you eat anything besides blood? does it have to be human blood? Because I read this series of books about this one vampire that mostly ate animal blood until he couldn't stand it, but his girlfriend let her have some of her blood.

Should I get you a girlfriend?

3:23 PM  
Blogger Calzone said...

Hey..whats up dogpound..Where ya been??

6:22 PM  
Blogger Monkey said...

The woman's wig was just plain offensive. It was an Elvira type of thing and had to be exterminated. There was nothing for it.

6:37 PM  
Blogger jiggs said...

For some reason this blog made me think of the white stripes version "John the revelator". Also drinking blood makes me really thirsty.

9:04 PM  
Blogger Clickbank Mall said...

Come Visit Santa at his blog and tell him what you want for Christmas,

11:22 PM  
Blogger Monkey said...

True evil is using Santa to promote Spam. Evil reaches new heights here. Yes, it does.

10:58 AM  
Blogger Slappy the Zombie said...

Slappy is a blood snob and always insists on human blood. The one exception might be the freak with the big white beard and the red suit.

Slappy has not heard John the Revelator, but he does understand thirst from blood - it's salty.

Slappy can not believe Santa has posted on his blog. Does he not realize that Slappy is not looking for toys? The toyman must be out of his gourd. Slappy thinks he'll request large knives and body bags.

11:13 AM  
Blogger Alistair! said...

oH Joy Oh Joy the Master is back!!

9:22 PM  
Blogger Übermilf said...

I'm all ready for you to move in. I put satin sheets in a little doll bed for you.

I bought you a knife sharpener.

I also stocked up on peroxide-based cleaners. Did you know they work best on blood stains?

I also have a list of people who could use a good stabbin'. And I don't mean "stabbin'" as Calzone means it. It's all for Slappy.

11:01 AM  
Blogger Mr. Paul Freeman, CEO said...

I refuse to ask for Jacques.

Maybe Pauline, though.

11:25 AM  
Blogger Monica said...

Jacques told me to come back later with severed heads. Is he dicking me around?

12:32 PM  

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