Thursday, November 10, 2005

Slappy Says

Yesterday Slappy attended a children’s birthday party. It was a hideous event filled with laughter, cake, balloons, and love. Slappy was brought to the party by an old vaudeville geezer friend of his late master named Mr. Octopus. Historians among you may remember him from his days on the stage in the late lamented comedy team, Franklin and Octopus.

The focus of their act was Franklin, who dressed up as Ben Franklin and would periodically shock Mr. Octopus with an electric kite. Slappy hears they were booed off the stage in many towns all over the US, but heralded as a tour de force of comedic wit when they traveled to France.

But Slappy does digress…Mr. Octopus provided what passed for entertainment at this party. He did his Franklin and Octopus routine, but used Slappy to fill in for the long dead Franklin. The children seemed confused to see an old man grappling with a dummy over a kite, but the adults applauded as if they were on the Price are Right. Slappy wondered what sort of imbecile would hire a 95 year old half dead vaudevillian with a limp to entertain at a children’s party.

As a topper to his kite routine, Mr. Octopus did a game of Simon Says. Earlier in the day he had the adults fill a hat with slips of paper containing things to do. The game started off innocently enough with requests to stand on one foot, lift your left arm, or cluck like a chicken.

After that the requests go stranger. Children were instructed to take off their shoes or spit in their hands. Parents started shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot and glancing sideways at each other. They became even more uneasy when they heard Mr. Octopus ask their children to throw their right shoe at their parents. But when he commanded them to pick up the dagger, all hell started breaking loose.

Mr. Octopus, who was used to being booed continuously before being ridden out of town on a rail, continued with his game of Simon Says which is unfortunate due to Slappy’s propensity for violence and mayhem.

As the men harrumphed and the women gasped, Mr. Octopus read the next command which clearly asked the children to plunge a knife into the head of the child to their left. One little idiot received two knives in the cranium due to the neighboring little moron not knowing his left from his right.

Slappy sat back and let the bloodshed continue as Mr. Octopus was pummeled with anything the partygoers could get their hands on – plastic bowling pins, cake pans, containers of caviar and an expensive designer suit. Slappy did so enjoy the carnage.

I sleep now.


Blogger Übermilf said...

I think Mr. Octopus needs to take his act to the White House.

11:47 AM  
Blogger Monica said...

Here here, ubermilf. I am sad that I missed this party as well. I am always late, dammit.

12:29 PM  
Blogger Übermilf said...

Hey, Slappy -- I have a steady gig lined up for you.

1:17 PM  
Blogger Calzone said...

Man thats great. I never get to see kids stab other kids in the head with knives.

8:08 PM  
Blogger Slappy the Zombie said...

Calzone, it is a rare treat when you can get an old man to command children to stab the child next to them in the skull, and they willingly comply.

Ubermilf, do you think Slappy could ever be around someone who legally changed their name to princess without accidentally on purpose sawing her head off in a bizarre magic trick?

And dear sweet little Minion Monica, you do not want to go to any parties at the White House. Trust Slappy when he tells you our president is a living ventriloquist dummy!

8:16 PM  

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