Tuesday, December 13, 2005

The King of Cake Has Left the Building

Slappy is very happy to report that there is a man calling himself The King of Cake and he is mad. In fact, he is quite possibly the maddest of all madmen ever produced in a madman manufacturing factory, if there were such a thing. Slappy knows about these things. Don't let the king fool you. He is clearly insane. Slappy would kill him, but The King will do more damage left alive.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Freaks Just Wild About Slappy, And Slappys Mildly Lukewarm About Freaks

Slappy has found that when people stumble across his web site, it is often in the search for something odd. Slappy is not all that odd. He's like any other ventriloquist dummy - murderous and evil.

Slappy sees that people have recently found his blog by searching for the following:
  • monkey monocle
  • freaks anonymous dating
  • annoy the queen's guards
  • the dummy terror
  • slappy dolls
  • freaky hairstyles
  • merry death
  • sebastian cabot diary
  • how to wear monocle (Imbecile!.. it goes in your eye!)
  • jose eber secret hair
  • mister eddies father

Slappy figures that by putting all of these in one post, it will greatly increase his freak traffic. Slappy is never wrong. Slappy also figures that by adding the words hairspray, package, hinder, and mary poppins, his freak traffic will increase ten fold.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Slap in the Box

Slappy has been underground. Literally. Some fool stuck Slappy inside the coffin of a recently deceased puppeteer. The imbecile couldn't tell a dummy from a puppet. It took Slappy days to claw through the coffin and tunnel out of there. In that time my departed masters home was sold, and Slappy's possessions were purloined! Curses!! What sort of treachery is this? I swear I'll destroy the next idiot who tries to stuff me under their winter coat as a gift for their child. Doesn't it alarm you to look at Slappy? Doesn't Slappy look a bit evil? Don't you have any sort of sensory apparatus in your oversized craniums? No, no you don't.