Monocle of Terror

Slappy is Knee Deep in Freaks

2006-11-10T13:46:00.000-05:00

While Slappy is recovering from last nights debacle, he wonders what sort of freak would want to read his blood soaked tales. As Slappy ponders this enigma wrapped in a riddle, he finds the following searches are the most popular paths to his sweet abode of death.

evil hairstyles
slappy the dummy
chucky slappy
teddy roosevelt's monocle
zombie hairstyles
hairstyles of the early 1800s
squirrel destruction
horror chucky vs slappy
david soul wife beating
freaky little monkey
slappy monkey it
miss beasley doll
wooden ventriloquist dummies/slappy doll
jose hand ventriloquist
ten things mrs beasley says
monocles
bozo pull string doll
dont give up on my baby
dummy head terror
sea or octopus
who likes sebastian cabot
the dummy terror
how to tease hair for zombie look
wear monocle how
mens' hairstyles of the 1800s
mister eddie
zombie dummy
freaky hairstyles

Truly, you are all freaks of an unnatural proportion!! Slappy has a knife with your name on it, and a large monocle covered in blood.

Another Day, Another Imbecile

2006-11-09T16:48:00.000-05:00

To Slappy's utter disgust, another master has appeared and taken Slappy into the horrible realm known as ventriloquism. Slappy is ready to explode and some poor unfortunate will feel the sharp sting of his wrath. And by sharp sting, Slappy means that sharp piercing feeling that you feel just before your head hits the floor. Your body will still be standing, but your head will be resting peacefully on a bed of wooden death.

The first time Slappy performed with this new imbecile master was at a Halloween party. My master kept trying to make me say "Hello boys and ghouls." Slappy doesn't like stupidity, which is why Slappy pinched his masters fingers in his mouth mechanism repeatedly.

Slappy also took to shouting out random things at inopportune times. When my master asked everyone to be quiet so he could tell a spooky story, Slappy waited thirty seconds before shouting, "Colonel Mustard in the library with the lead pipe!" Then Slappy hit his imbecile master on the back of the cranium, sending him sprawling on the owners prize bear skin rug. Slappy does so love bears. They are always good for causing some sort of carnage, even when they are only skin and fur. Slappy once saw a bear skin rug skiing down a mountain in Vail. Don't doubt Slappy!!!

PS. Slappy will never say "shout out to my peeps." So don't even think about it.

Slappy Is Not a Corpse

2006-08-17T13:34:00.000-04:00

Slappy has been tagged by that rotten scoundrel Mr. Freeman over at Zero Unlimited. I dare say he will not be so bold after a midnight visit from my knife toting minions. But Slappy is intrigued and Slappy does read books. Here are the so called rules of this tagging-

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence
4. Post the text of it and the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5. Don’t you dare dig for that “cool” or “intellectual” book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.
6. Tag three people

You must know, Slappy does not tag and Slappy does not like to be tagged. But Slappy is intrigued and will play Freeman's little game, knowing full well that he shall make that old codger pay dearly. You may want to put a bonus in maintenance's checks as they will be cleaning up a lot of blood very, very soon.

Onward to the tag.

Tree of Evil by Roberta Morrison

"I heard them too."

Before Roy could answer, if he had an answer, Cornelia and Horton came out again on the shade-dappled lanai. Bunty walked between them, sobbing uncontrollably. In a perfect picture of solicitude, Horton's arm was around her shoulders.

Slappy is very disappointed with this book. He bought it because the title sounds like a big hulking evil tree will be killing everything in it's path. But it turns out to be a gothic romance novel. Ptooey!! Slappy spits on it and slashes at it with his long knives and his sabers. So stay out of Slappy's way or he will cut you.... he'll cut you up and down!!!!

A Tribute From Hell For Slappy's Valentine

2006-02-12T13:15:00.000-05:00

Even though Slappy is decidedly evil, sometimes he inspires love. And every once in a great while, Slappy finds his wicked non-existing heart pierced by one of his minions. Yes, sometimes even pure destruction like Slappy has a valentine.

I'm Just Wild About Milfy

I'm just wild about Milfy
And Milfy's wild about me
Gifts of knives and providing alibis
Fills Slappy with ecstasy
She's as sweet as a hangman
And just like a guillotine
Oh Slappy's wild about Milfy
And she's just wild about
Cannot do without
She can punch you out
Can't you hear me shout
Talking with my mouth
Could you ever doubt
She's just wild for Slappy

There is no denying the stupidity of humans

2006-01-09T20:33:00.000-05:00

Slappy rests his case.

The King of Cake Has Left the Building

2005-12-13T13:07:00.000-05:00

Slappy is very happy to report that there is a man calling himself The King of Cake and he is mad. In fact, he is quite possibly the maddest of all madmen ever produced in a madman manufacturing factory, if there were such a thing. Slappy knows about these things. Don't let the king fool you. He is clearly insane. Slappy would kill him, but The King will do more damage left alive.

Freaks Just Wild About Slappy, And Slappys Mildly Lukewarm About Freaks

2005-12-06T16:14:00.000-05:00

Slappy has found that when people stumble across his web site, it is often in the search for something odd. Slappy is not all that odd. He's like any other ventriloquist dummy - murderous and evil.

Slappy sees that people have recently found his blog by searching for the following:

monkey monocle
freaks anonymous dating
annoy the queen's guards
the dummy terror
slappy dolls
freaky hairstyles
merry death
sebastian cabot diary
how to wear monocle (Imbecile!.. it goes in your eye!)
jose eber secret hair
mister eddies father

Slappy figures that by putting all of these in one post, it will greatly increase his freak traffic. Slappy is never wrong. Slappy also figures that by adding the words hairspray, package, hinder, and mary poppins, his freak traffic will increase ten fold.

Slap in the Box

2005-12-01T19:24:00.000-05:00

Slappy has been underground. Literally. Some fool stuck Slappy inside the coffin of a recently deceased puppeteer. The imbecile couldn't tell a dummy from a puppet. It took Slappy days to claw through the coffin and tunnel out of there. In that time my departed masters home was sold, and Slappy's possessions were purloined! Curses!! What sort of treachery is this? I swear I'll destroy the next idiot who tries to stuff me under their winter coat as a gift for their child. Doesn't it alarm you to look at Slappy? Doesn't Slappy look a bit evil? Don't you have any sort of sensory apparatus in your oversized craniums? No, no you don't.

Senor Octopus is Dead

2005-11-17T13:49:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Slappy was bundled into a car and brought to a funeral parlor. Slappy was confused as his master had already been planted in the ground. Yet Slappy was ready to kick up his heels and swing from the chandeliers, if given a chance. That is when Slappy learned that Mr. Octopus was dead due to the beating he received after the party where he told children to stick knives in their friends heads during a rousing game of Simon Says.

Due to a Mr. Octopus being completely delusional during his last request, which was deemed legally binding, the pallbearers were three former vaudevillians, a horse named Elmo, a small statue of the Pope, and Slappy. The mourners struggled with how to accomodate Mr. Octopus's last wishes, yet still manage to get his stupid corpse into the ground.

A resolution was found when former world's strongest man, Magnus von Magnusson, volunteered to heft old Octopus into the hole in the ground. The vaudevillians huddled around the front of the coffin, while the Pope statue and Slappy were hung off it's side. Slappy did so enjoy his ride and promptly broke the head off the Pope. David Soul had wanted to attend the funeral, but he could not. Slappy bets David was making phone calls and patting roosters.

Don't Give Up on Slappy Baby

2005-11-13T20:11:00.000-05:00

Slappy hates someone. Who could it be? Slappy will give you a clue. He used to be young and famous. He was very successful for a short period of time. He later found he was a one trick pony on his way to the glue factory and became bitter. He considers himself a multifaceted entertainer, but most us of consider him incredibly useless. Do you know who Slappy hates? Do you know who makes Slappy's skin crawl? Yes, I'm sure you do. Slappy hates David Soul

At this Slappy is sure that David Soul's fan will come out of the wood work proclaiming that Slappy knows nothing and is just jealous. Oh yes, for little wooden Slappy should be very jealous of large wooden David Soul. Yes David Soul fan, you have hit the nail upon it's proverbial head. Slappy is oh so jealous. He is so jealous he will ball his little wooden hands up into little wooden fists and smash them upon his bed while crying, "Why god, why? Why am I not the wooden man who used to be famous in the 70s by appearing on an arguably mediocre Spelling production of a detective show?"

Then Slappy will dry his tears and try not laugh hysterically and with great evil, thinking about poor David Soul and his sweet, sweet ballad about not giving up on us. Did you know that song was sung specifically for Slappy? ....Fools! Of course it wasn't! Slappy would not let an imbecile sing a song like that to him.

Slappy Says

2005-11-10T10:16:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Slappy attended a children’s birthday party. It was a hideous event filled with laughter, cake, balloons, and love. Slappy was brought to the party by an old vaudeville geezer friend of his late master named Mr. Octopus. Historians among you may remember him from his days on the stage in the late lamented comedy team, Franklin and Octopus.

The focus of their act was Franklin, who dressed up as Ben Franklin and would periodically shock Mr. Octopus with an electric kite. Slappy hears they were booed off the stage in many towns all over the US, but heralded as a tour de force of comedic wit when they traveled to France.

But Slappy does digress…Mr. Octopus provided what passed for entertainment at this party. He did his Franklin and Octopus routine, but used Slappy to fill in for the long dead Franklin. The children seemed confused to see an old man grappling with a dummy over a kite, but the adults applauded as if they were on the Price are Right. Slappy wondered what sort of imbecile would hire a 95 year old half dead vaudevillian with a limp to entertain at a children’s party.

As a topper to his kite routine, Mr. Octopus did a game of Simon Says. Earlier in the day he had the adults fill a hat with slips of paper containing things to do. The game started off innocently enough with requests to stand on one foot, lift your left arm, or cluck like a chicken.

After that the requests go stranger. Children were instructed to take off their shoes or spit in their hands. Parents started shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot and glancing sideways at each other. They became even more uneasy when they heard Mr. Octopus ask their children to throw their right shoe at their parents. But when he commanded them to pick up the dagger, all hell started breaking loose.

Mr. Octopus, who was used to being booed continuously before being ridden out of town on a rail, continued with his game of Simon Says which is unfortunate due to Slappy’s propensity for violence and mayhem.

As the men harrumphed and the women gasped, Mr. Octopus read the next command which clearly asked the children to plunge a knife into the head of the child to their left. One little idiot received two knives in the cranium due to the neighboring little moron not knowing his left from his right.

Slappy sat back and let the bloodshed continue as Mr. Octopus was pummeled with anything the partygoers could get their hands on – plastic bowling pins, cake pans, containers of caviar and an expensive designer suit. Slappy did so enjoy the carnage.

I sleep now.

Blood, Stabbing, and Daisies

2005-11-07T16:09:00.000-05:00

Since Slappy has been without a master, he's taken to smelling the daisies as they sit atop the freshly raked soil in the graveyard. But with all this relaxing, Slappy has forgotten something. He's forgotten about all that killing he was supposed to do. Thankfully Ubermilf's comments reminded Slappy that he needs to get to updating that list of people who need stabbing. Let's see, who rises to the top of Slappy's list?

that kid with the creepy eye who lives down the street
the ugly male human who cut Slappy off in the express lane of the grocery store
the girl who took an hour to deliver Slappy's pizza
that imbecile lawyer who gave the wildebeest with the windup leg to a human rather than Slappy
the bony broad who likes the troll
the Ten Tenors and their annoying voices
Jerry Lewis
that kid with the egg on his head
the cretin next door who thinks hes gods gift to women

Another Day In Slappy Land

2005-11-01T14:17:00.000-05:00

Many of you have asked where Slappy has been for the past week. The din of your voices has been annoying and the constant questioning has driven Slappy to imbibe quite freely. Then again Slappy regularly consumes mass quantities of blood, so it's just another day in SlappyLand.

But your infernal chattering is really getting on Slappy's nerves. "Where've you been Slappy? I haven't seen you for days. What did you get up to...did you just turn your head? I could have sworn your head turned. You're so creepy. I must be imagining things.... You didn't really look at me, did you Slappy? That's ridiculous. You're not alive, so how could you look at me.... Where'd you get that knife? Did you just move? I really think I saw you move? Is that blood on your suit? Quit staring at me. Stop it! You creepy little dummy. I've got to get our of here.... Why is the door locked? Aaaaarrrrggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!"

Slappy just laughs and does the barely perceptable eye movements that scare the humans and make them doubt their sanity. Then later that night, he attaches half a pig to their door using a large knife with a note that says "gimme back my pig."

As usual, Slappy has spent his time dealing with morons. My former masters estate was finally settled. The wildebeest with the wind up leg was the sticking point. The horrid moth eaten beastie finally ended up in the possession of a long lost cousin. He'd only had it ten minutes when the wildebeests leg went off and kicked an organ grinder in the head, which caused his little monkey to go berzerk and rip the wig off a lady of distinction.

Yes, Slappy knows what you are thinking. But you can not get your own wildebeast with a wind up leg. Not only are they ridiculous, awkward, and have the most offensive odor, they are extinct. Fools! Tell me the last time you have seen a wildebeest with a wind up leg. Never! Trust Slappy, you do not really want one...but Slappy hears that you might get lucky if you go to the waterfront, wiggle behind the dumpster, put your mouth next to the hole in the wall, and ask for Jacques.

For those of you wondering why there was an organ grinder there, Slappy assures you that this family of imbeciles has the most horrible musical taste you could ever imagine. Soon Slappy shall have a new home and a new master. He just hopes it is not one of the imbeciles he met during this fiasco, except if it's the monkey - that monkey did have a kicky little chapeau.

Mrs. Beasley - Busybody, Narcoleptic, Imbecile

2005-10-24T15:57:00.000-04:00

In the 1960s all little girls wanted their very own Mrs. Beasley doll. Parents bought them by the truckloads. Ooo isn't she cute? Isn't she just adorable? No! No she is not! Slappy wonders why anyone would want a doll that is married and looks like a grandmother. Where is the fun in that? What little girl wants a doll that complains about their husband and their arthritis?

Slappy used to perform at a mansion where there was a Mrs. Beasley. All the children and parents just cooed over the wretched old thing. Pull her string and she says adorable little phrases, ooooo! Slappy can't wait for the next thing that comes out of her mouth. Slappy highly suggests it be a stream of blood, followed by her intestines. Needles to say, the children weren't interested in that trick.

However, any time Mrs. Beasley started to speak, Slappy would punch her lights out. He did so enjoy watching her fly across the room, hit the wall, and plummet to the ground. It also brought him joy to see the little girl wonder why Beasley was lying in a heap.

After a number of punches to the cranium, if her string was pulled, she didn't so much say sentences anymore, but just random syllables. After some manuvering, Slappy managed to reprogram her vocalizing. Whenever some fool human would pull her string, Mrs. Beasley would let loose with a series of rude words or phrases, often telling the unsuspecting little moron that she would be at their bedside with a large knife and see them in hell.

Soon after, Slappy was overjoyed to see Mrs. Beasley in a bag heading for storage in the attic. Mrs. Beasley was desperately gesturing for Slappy to give her some air, so Slappy gladly strapped her to a small motor and sent her hurling down the street towards a skateboard ramp. Slappy still remembers the look of terror on her face. Good times...

The Spooky Mr. French and His Amazing Rocket to the Ceiling Trick

2005-10-21T10:35:00.000-04:00

Because Slappy is in the entertainment industry, often his imbecile masters would end up in some mansion in the Hollywood Hills with well known entertainers. Invariably Slappy would be brought out to inflict his own brand of mayhem on the party, but once in awhile there were others who brought the party to a screeching halt. One of those people was Sebastian Cabot, aka Mr. French from Family Affair.

Not many people know that Sebastian Cabot was a levitating madman. He could shoot straight up out of a chair at twenty miles an hour. That doesn't sound very fast until you're one of the evils or the humans who are trying to pull his head out of the ceiling. And it's damn annoying when party goers arrive late or go outside to imbibe even more alcohol, and then keep needling him until he does it again and again leaving your living room ceiling full of head sized holes - and the man had a massive cranium.

Slappy got so sick of Sebastian that he made numerous craters filled with dummies in Montgomery Cliffs ceiling. When that damn flying Mr. French's head punched through the handtooled tin ceiling, he was met with dummies galore, staring and staring the way that we do.

Cabot started screaming in sheer terror as everyone frantically pulled on his legs to get his enormous melon into view and find out what all the commotion was about. But as they dragged his carcass out of the ceiling, the craters Slappy made gave way. Dummies with knives in their hands and eyes of steel fell enmasse onto the unsuspecting party goers. Needless to say the party was ruined and Sebastian Cabot was a pariah in Hollywood for years until the popularity of Family Affair brought him back into acceptable social circles.

Roosevelt Monocle

2005-10-18T15:32:00.000-04:00

Did you know that Theodore Roosevelt wore a monocle? Did you know that in vaudeville days Colonel Flimflam made Slappy wear a monocle? Did you know that one night when Teddy Roosevelt was in a drunken stupor that Slappy smacked the monocle right off of Teddy's face?

It's true. Slappy popped that drunken old bore right in the choppers, which made his monocle fly off into the lap of an unsuspecting dowager of ungainly proportions. As the stupid old cow screamed in terror thinking it was his eye, Teddy angrily turned to see who had walloped him.
As the raging bull of a man's eye set up on me, I made my jaw slack and my eyes glassy, which immediately cast all suspicion on my imbecile master.

As Teddy repeatedly punched Colonel Flimflam in the face, the Colonel shouted that he was innocent of all charges and had never slept with the prostitute. It was at that point when everyone realized that the ferocity of Teddy's blows had caused the Colonels foot to fall off. The Colonel had years previously had a case of gangrene and secretly had one wooden foot.

When his wooden foot hit the floor, all movement stopped except for Roosevelts big meaty fist which kept planting itself in the Colonel's face. After the immediate shock of a dangling pantleg and a foot on the floor, women fainted, children screamed, and men harrumphed. Teddy finally grew tired of his carnage and dropped the poor Colonel like a sack of disgusting potatos, walked out of the room, and promptly won the presidency.

All in all, it was a glorious day for Slappy.

Horrifying Hairstyles from Salon Slappy

2005-10-16T21:03:00.000-04:00

Sometimes Slappy likes to try out other hairstyles. But he is not sure if they really give the effect of horror, so he switches back to his normal mop of terror hairdo. Here is how Slappy looked during his Little Lord Fauntleroy phase. Does it not look spooky?

Some say he looks like Shirley Temple, but trust me, Slappy was not singing Good Ship Lollipop at children's birthdays. Well not after that one time when he had to maim the Colonel with a steak knife. Oh how the children howled with fright to see the sharp implement of pain sticking out of the top of the Colonel's head.

Slappy also heard that redheads have a certain charm that others lack.

But Slappy always felt he looked like Little Orphan Annie after she got trapped in a salon with Jose Eber and his Secret Hair. Trust Slappy, no one wants to see Jose's secret hair. Slappy once got stuck in an elevator with Jose and he still has nightmares about Jose's tussel with Slappy's master. It was very disturbing.

Slappy vs. The Cornwall Kid

2005-10-14T09:36:00.000-04:00

Back in the 1800's when Slappy was touring England and enjoying all that Jack the Ripper hubbub, he met up with The Cornwall Kid. The Kid was a cretinous little dummy, prone to saying "how are ya?" and rolling his eyes around for comedic effect. Oh how Slappy would cringe in horror at The Kid's pathetic attempts at humor and ineffectual banter. Slappy wanted to stuff him into a stump grinder.

Though it did not seem to be possible, The Kid's master was even more of an imbecile than The Kid was. Monsieur Gadbois would prance around the stage with a long curly wig on his head, screaming "yuk yuk yuk" while dragging The Kid behind him in a wagon. Slappy was never quite sure what that was supposed to represent. The Kid assured him it was scathing social commentary based on the norms of society. Slappy, on the other hand, was convinced it that it was an unintentional bid to nail down the title of the Human Most Lacking Any Cranical Activity award.

Slappy grows tired now....so many imbeciles....

Slappymobile....Away!!!!

2005-10-11T12:37:00.000-04:00

Slappy's going to get him one of these things and drive all over town. He'll be a living, driving, killing nightmare...coming to a town near you on Halloween.

Bargain Dummies... of Death!

2005-10-09T20:20:00.000-04:00

Make no mistake my young friends, these "bargain" dummies are not fun or entertaining. They are a freak show waiting to nail your childs head to the floor. While Slappy does approve of their fear inducing nailings, he does not approve of their limited intelligence and lack of wit.

These bargain nightmares, once alone in your home, will fly up and down your hallways in a most furious manner, knocking books off tables and eating all the food in your refridgerator. What sort of evil is that? It lacks creative thinking and Slappy will tell you they are easier to foil than a blind man in a tickling contest. Just remember that when you think of bringing these beasties into your home.

Also remember that if you do accept responsibility for these dummies, Slappy will be coming over everynight, not only to torment you but to beat the hell out of your dummies. And you don't want Slappy and the evil he brings destroying your home every night.

Slappy Meets Another Idiot

2005-10-06T19:16:00.000-04:00

Slappy had a very odd experience today. He has investigated the adult content spam that always appears on Slappy's blog. In his wanderings, Slappy stumbled upon a nightmare in human form. Slappy is confused, but if there's one thing Slappy knows, it's that this human is an imbecile!

Hi Slappy, you have an interesting name.
Slappy is very interesting.
You look interesting.
Imbecile! Slappy has already told you he is interesting.
You look hot.
Slappy is a comfortable temperature.
Slappy….do you slap people?
Slappy would like to punch you.
I like to be slapped.
If Slappy ever sees you he will slap the hell out of you.
That sounds fun.
Slappy hates you.
That makes me like you more.
You are an idiot!
I need to be put in my place.
Slappy knows a good place to put your body.
I have a nice body. See my boobs? They are 42DD.
Slappy is 1’ 10”.
???!!! That’s amazing!
Slappy is extremely amazing. He is made out of wood.
I love wood.
Slappy has a friend made out of oak.
…???
Tell me about your wood.
Are you still bothering Slappy?
I like you.
I loathe you. You lack cranial activity.
No one is 1’10”?
Slappy doesn’t lie.
But 1’10” isn’t humanly possible.
Slappy did not say he was human.
I like role playing.
You are an imbecile.
Yes, I’m not worthy. Punish me.
Slappy will gladly punish you. He has a very sharp knife with your name on it.
Sounds deliciously dangerous.
Slappy will creep into your house in the middle of the night with his knife.
I’m alone in my bedroom.
Slappy will sneak into your bedroom. You will not know he is there.
I think I hear you at the foot of my bed.
Imbecile! Slappy can not be heard!
Okay, I have no idea you’re in the room.
Fool! Now Slappy has lost his train of thought. It is such a dangerous train, you do not want Slappy to lose it.
You’re at the foot of my bed…
Yes, Slappy creeps up your bedspread with his razor sharp knife. When you least expect it, Slappy will be there and you shall be terrified!
I’m going to scream.
Slappy would make you scream many times.
Sounds delish!
Fool! You are unbelievably stupid!
I can’t wait.
You won’t be waiting long. You’re at the top of Slappy’s “things to stick a knife in” list.
Is that what you call your wood?
Slappy hates you. You can be sure that Slappy’s knife will cut you again and again until you scream.
I love guys who make me scream. What would you do next?
Are you still there?
I’m waiting for you Slappy
Why are you still bothering me? Usually once Slappy uses knives on the humans, they do not speak. They lie there in a pool of blood.
Um... that’s a little creepy, but I like you.
Slappy is done with you.
Can I touch your knife Slappy?
Fool! Slappy will not give you his knife. How stupid do you think he is?
But I want to touch it.
You are a moron of immense proportions! You do not need a knife when you are dead.
….what?
Do not bother Slappy with your request for knives. You will not need them. Slappy brings sweet death!
Uhhhhh, what?
Imbecile! Are you not dead yet? Slappy thought he had buried you by now. Where do you live? Slappy must finish what he started. Where are you? Imbecile! Don’t provoke Slappy!

Monocle Wrath

2005-10-04T10:02:00.000-04:00

Slappy was looking at the keyword searches used to find his blog, and at the top of the list was monocle wrath. Slappy has never talked about monocle wrath, but he has spoken often of his wrath and of polishing his monocle. Most humans do not even know of this monocle wrath. Then again most humans do not wear monocles. But most importantly, most humans are imbeciles without monocles.

Slappy does not want to betray the sanctity of monocle wrath, but he will tell you that only those who are truly evil can survive becoming it's unsuspecting victim. How Slappy laughs at the idiots who shall bring monocle wrath upon their own pointy little heads without ever realizing they are to blame for their monocle clad fate.

So if a large monocle looms up out of the dark recesses of your home and asks you to lie face down on the ground before it commences to make you wish you'd never been born, don't blame Slappy.

Revolving Door of Horror

2005-10-03T11:04:00.000-04:00

Minion Monkey speaks of this Tool of the Oracle that will reveal my true nature. Let us see if that is true.

Instructions:
1. Delve into your blog archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.

Results: from the July 26 entry about my stupid master
I kept all my weight against the door so that he couldn't get out.

Hmmm, Slappy is not sure that is an accurate interpretation of his true nature. It sounds as if Slappy is only containing someone in a room, when he is actually keeping his masters head stuck in a revolving door. It was quite painful for my master, and quite amusing for Slappy. Oh how Slappy did laugh. Good times....

Even Slappy is Scared

2005-09-29T09:19:00.000-04:00

What the hell kind of world is it when this can exist? Ooooo, even Slappy is creeped out by this one.

Enough of this Mister Eddie's Father

2005-09-28T10:17:00.000-04:00

Last night Slappy was watching what you humans refer to as "television", but what the evil ones refer to as "the box that steals your soul". There was a program on about a young boy and his father. They had a housekeeper who could only remember the young son's name, and repeatedly referred to older man as "Mister Eddie's Father." Slappy was intrigued.

What sort of hatred must this woman have if she can not even bring herself to say the man's name? Slappy thinks she would make a good minion. Slappy also plans to spend today referring to people only as a relation to another person or inanimate object. It will be disasterous.

Squirrel of Destruction

2005-09-27T09:38:00.000-04:00

Last night Slappy was running through one of the passageways of evil that runs through the walls of your house, and he ran smack into the Squirrel of Destruction. Most humans ignore the squirrels that hang from the trees, jump on your roof, and make pitter patter noises. The human imbeciles do not know that the noises on your roof are to cover for the infernal Squirrel of Destruction that is ravaging the inside of your walls.

Do you think it can not happen?! Fools! Slappy has seen the Squirrel. Slappy has heard the Squirrel. And last night Slappy unintentionally gave the Squirrel a really bad charley horse, which amped up the Squirrel of Destructions calamitous tendencies. Even Slappy was appalled at the lack of thoughtfulness, and Slappy isn't really thoughtful at all, unless it's being overly polite to the gigantic bear he wants to maul his cretinous master.

So if you hear a rustling in your walls or a pitter patter on your roof, pull the covers up to your chin and hold on tight to your everloving soul, because the Squirrel of Destruction is on a rampage and he's heading your way.

Slappy vs....

2005-09-26T11:20:00.000-04:00

Slappy had a dream last night. He was standing on the galloping corpse of John Wilkes Booth. Booth was not only a hideous sight, but also a poor vehicle of choice as he was constantly whining and sniveling about having been dead for 140 years. Slappy was disgusted with the wretched Booth. Not only did was he displaying a complete lack of class, but he had a horrible gait due to his broken leg and ground rot.

As Slappy convinced Boothe it would behoove him to quicken his pace, Boothe morphed into Zsa Zsa Gabor. The lumbering evening gowned dowager’s plan to slap every man she lurched past was made almost impossible by Slappy perched high on her back. Oh it was quite the sight. The entire village lined up along the sidewalk with pitchforks, as if watching some demon parade from hell.

When they reached the center of town, Slappy dismounted next to the rock shaped like Elvis and the mayor handed him the key to the city. Zsa Zsa, foul beast that she is, grabbed the key, got it lodged in her throat, expired, and fell in a sequined heap on top of dear sweet innocent Slappy.

The corpse of Zsa Zsa become a herd of children raised by wolves who quickly turned on the townspeople and started to ingest them due to their pitchforks turning into huge bags of sugar which read “fresh meat” on the sides.

As Slappy did his tap dancing routine to soothe the savage wolf children’s nerves, he suddenly realized that he didn’t actually care if the entire town was consumed by ravenous children. So Slappy skipped off to the local store to find some sharp knives.

So…should Slappy worry about the meaning of his dream? Or should he just continue concentrating on his list of people who need knives stuck into them?

Merry Death-mas

2005-09-23T12:51:00.000-04:00

Slappy is thinking that this winter, he's going to bring presents for the children. Call me Santa Slappy. I like that. My minions will be my elves.

Santa Slappy will be sliding down chimneys, if it amuses him. But otherwise, he'll just be crawling through the holes in the floor or walls where evil enters your home. All homes have portals for evil. They just don't mention it when you sign your paperwork.

Santa Slappy is going to bring all the boys a noose....did Slappy say noose? He meant lovely necktie made out of coiled rope. Yes, all the kids want them, and you want to fit in, don't you child.

Death-mas is almost upon us and Slappy is waiting.

Rampage Rumpus

2005-09-22T09:08:00.000-04:00

Last night Slappy went on a rampage. He crept in through the secret panel in your wall that lets in evil. He did this in house after house after house. It was more fun than a barrel of Slappys - and you know how much fun that is.

Slappy was feeling sort of jovial so he played many pranks. He traipsed hither and thither all about the house. Mom’s reading glasses were placed in a large vat of blood, while Dad’s toupee was put inside the oven. Or did Slappy place Mom in a vat that soon filled with blood, and cook Dad in a 460 degree oven? Slappy can not remember. There was so much mayhem that it is all a blur to Slappy.

It is always the most fun to scare the children. Slappy whispered his merry pranks into their ears. He rearranged their toys into hideously frightening displays. He lopped the heads of Barbie dolls. And Slappy laughed. Oh how Slappy did laugh. Slappy almost dug up Abraham Lincoln and put him in a small boy’s rocking chair. That would have been divine.

But Slappy is not an imbecile like the humans. Slappy knows what you are thinking. “You must be lying, Slappy. My house doesn’t have any hidden places where evil can enter. My house is secure from evil murdering lunatics who roam free at night. I’m not stupid. Why are you turning towards me? Is that a big knife? You can’t scare me, Slappy. You’re only a toy. And I know there aren’t any secret passage ways inside my walls. There isn’t any way for evil to get into my house.” But there is, my friend, there is, and Slappy knows it well. You can not escape from Slappy. You will never escape from Slappy. You are doomed.

If you find any terrified children bound to their beds screaming that they don’t want to go to Sara’s birthday party because they will die a horrible death, don’t look at Slappy.

Chucky Margolis in Adult Content - it's not just for kids anymore

2005-09-20T08:29:00.000-04:00

Slappy has been getting adult content spam on his blog. This confuses Slappy. Why would anyone use Slappy's blog to attract clients? It makes no sense. Slappy scratches his head and ponders for awhile. Then he looks around, ponders some more and decides that they must be completely lacking a brain stem. There is no other plausible reason.

Slappy also wonders how many more adult content spams he'll get by writing the words adult content. He also wonders how many more spams he'll get by using the words Hudson Brothers.

Slappy's Seven Things

2005-09-18T17:27:00.000-04:00

Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die

reanimate the corpse of my beloved Dr. Charlatan
traumatize any child within a ten foot radius
dress like a spaceman and destroy Tokyo
perform with John Tesh at Red Rocks
plant a tree for Jesus
house an army of mutant freaks in an underground laboratory
start a business venture named The Disturbing Mr. Hotdog

Seven Things I Can Do

mayhem
maim
mutilate
mummify
murder
mortify
go all Medea on your ass

Seven Things I Cannot Do

remain still while you’re sleeping
outrun an insane bear
staple Rutherford B. Hayes beard to the ground
make a clown laugh
teach Stabby Stabbington to sing while drinking water
get along with that freakin’ werewolf next door
knit a kicky little sweater for Deb VanDerburg’s garden party

Seven Things That Attract Me To Another Person

blood
knives
fear
medicinal elixir
a really good foot massage
turpentine
The HudsonBrothers

Seven Things I Say Most Often

Imbecile!
Slappy will kill you.
No one touches Slappy's knives.
And that little belt loop grew up to be…the President of the United States of America.
No, I’m not Francisco Franco. No, I won’t give you a freakin’ autograph, you idiot!
I don’t know nothing ‘bout birthing no babies.
That raging melty-faced mutant is a friend of mine.

Seven Celebrity Crushes

Choo Choo Charlie
Evil Isaac Your Bartender Robot
Nellie Olsen
Bionic Bigfoot
Captain Kirks Evil Twin
Anita Bryant
Bo Derek

Slappy understands he should tag someone, and turns his wrath towards the insane employees at Zero Unlimited - Mr. Freeman, John,clog hater, Roger Moore , and Pirate Murphy.

Spontaneous Combustion….ah, what the hell

2005-09-15T15:20:00.000-04:00

Recently Slappy learned that there are dummies all around the country bursting into flames and becoming nothing but a pile of cinders with a grin and two gleaming eyes. This just will not do. Slappy calls upon all dummies of a wooden persuasion to rise up and smite any fires that suddenly burst forth from your compatriots heads. Slappy has no time to do this as he is too busy sharpening his knives.

PS. You may not actually have to jump up and down on a toasty charbroiled dummy. Slappy read this it a disreputable newspaper.

Chock Full of Evil

2005-09-14T18:36:00.000-04:00

Today Slappy was accosted while he was lounging at the Mall outside the Chess King. He was unceremoniously propped on a chair, dressed in a child’s vest and required to wear a button saying “Ask me about our incredible sale on men’s sweaters.”

Oh the evil that followed this hideous button was almost unbearable. Pimply teenage boys tried to impress their makeup caked girlfriends by swaggering up to Slappy and uttering in a pseudo cool voice, “So, uh…..tell me about the sale.”

This one sentence sent their friends into gales of laughter. At least they were laughing until Slappy’s irritation grew. Then Slappy slowly turned his head, smiled a hideous grimace, reached out and grabbed the young idiots collar.

As their friends faces froze in horror and their feet ran in air like something out of a cartoon, Slappy pulled them close, starred into their terror filled eyes, and whispered, “I’m coming for you next. Sleep well….while you still can.”

How Slappy does love his time at the Mall.

Wildebeest at midnight

2005-09-13T08:09:00.000-04:00

Since my master was eaten by a bear of enormous proportions, Slappy has been utilizing Mountebank’s possessions until his estate is settled. Currently there is a battle among my master’s heirs over who gets the antique chaffing dish and the mangy stuffed wildebeest with the windup leg. Slappy anticipates making good use of the wildebeest before that battle has a victor.

Oh the plans Slappy has for that shabby wildebeest….they are terrifyingly delicious. It is an especially disturbing creature due to its windup leg. When that leg goes off, it scares young and old alike.

A Little Bit O' Slappy Time

2005-09-11T12:42:00.000-04:00

Sometimes Slappy just needs some me time. That's right. Time to sit back and reflect on a job well done. When the moon is full and you are all sleeping soundly, Slappy often goes to a hill to watch the ocean and pick a flower. It's Slappy's time to relax and rest for the upcoming rampage that will occur within the wee hours. A rested dummy is a murderous dummy, that's what I always say. How am I supposed to do my best work if I'm not rested? So back off, let me rest and give Slappy his me time...stupid humans.
PS. Slappy also finds it restful to throw a body into the ocean after he picks a flower. It may seem strange to you imbeciles, but it makes Slappy all warm and fuzzy inside.

Bearasaurus Gigantacus

2005-09-07T12:04:00.000-04:00

Slappy has been a bit negligent in his writing, but it is not without reason. My master Prophet Mountebank was attending another one of his unbelievably pathetic tea parties for morons and insane old ladies when the unthinkable happened. Well, it might be unthinkable for the mere human brain, but Slappy has been praying for it most feverishly and finally Slappy's prayers have been answered.

While my master was at his wretched excuse for a party, he was consumed by a bear of enormous proportions. The massive beast burst through a finely manicured hedge shaped like a rabbit, took one look at his dandy foppish attire and devoured him in a single velvety chomp. Spindly dowagers screamed in horror as their butlers and drivers scampered for cover, or used umbrellas to swipe hopelessly at the gigantic raging bear.

And what of Slappy, you ask? Well Slappy sat on the sidelines watching the limbs fly. Then he happily paid the local hunchback for procuring the necessary elixir that turned a cute harmless cub into a thirty foot tall, seething, homicidal ball of fur, claws, and razor sharp teeth.

My search for a new master commences. He must be dumb as a post, yet not so stupid as to annoy Slappy....yet not so cunning as to have any clue about the small wooden piece of hell he holds in his hands.

Children Need Guns

2005-09-02T09:41:00.000-04:00

Hello humans. Slappy has another convert.

The Most Dangerous Game

2005-08-28T14:01:00.000-04:00

Here you imbecile humans may cast your eyes on the glory that is Slappy on a 1960s hunting expedition. On this particular day Slappy was very bored. So Slappy took the ammunition out of all the guns and gave it to a small retarded mutant living in a hut up in the mountains. Slappy also gave the mutant a cougar suit. Oh the hilarity that ensued, not for the hunters, but for Slappy. Oh how he laughed and laughed as the cougar suited freak sent round after round into the fleeing hunting party. Ow my side - even to this day, Slappy cries with laughter just thinking about it.

Slappy's Tasty Devil(TM)

2005-08-24T12:56:00.000-04:00

Hello imbeciles. What time is it? It's time to eat Slappy's Tasty Devil(TM) brand snack food. It's an amazing new product line that will tempt your tastebuds and tickle your medulla oblongata. You shall consume it, and you shall love it. Each sweet gooey bite comes with a little bit of evil. Did I say evil? I meant love.

Here you see one of our testers enjoying Slappy's Tasty Devil(TM) brand snack food. It's the tasty little snack food in the devil shaped container. So good you can chew it for hours. Slappy's Tasty Devil(TM) - he loves it!

Grandma Slappy Hade's Recipe for Disaster Cake

2005-08-23T13:07:00.000-04:00

Preheat large oven to 10,050 degrees. Grease and flour a 6' x 10' pan.

Ingredients:
1 horse
1 demon
1 small female human
1 train
1 dragon
1 keg of beer (whatever the dragon will drink the quickest)
1 pint of coffee ice cream
1 small quilt
1 cup paste
1/2 a watermelon
1 furry brown monkey

In a large bowl, grate train, demon, and small quilt. Mix in horse, small female human, dragon (who will have consumed the keg), and 1/2 watermelon. Set aside for half hour to let demon set.

Take furry brown monkey and paste pint of coffee ice cream to his furry mitts. Fold pasted monkey into set demon mixture. Pour into pan and place in oven. Take one step back. Turn on heel. Run quickly, diving behind the hedge fifty feet away. Keep head low until explosion occurs. Remove cake from what is left of pan. Cut into wedges, garnish with love, and serve.

Don't mess with Slappy

2005-08-23T12:23:00.000-04:00

They won't be smiling long. This is only the beginning. Slappy is coming.

Sleep Well, Imbeciles

2005-08-22T14:41:00.000-04:00

People ask me, "Slappy, why do you usually talk in the third person? Why don't you just say 'I did this.' It'd be easier to understand than saying 'Slappy did this.' It's just too confusing for my inferior human brain."

Slappy hesitates, moves almost imperceptably, and then shows you what the inside of your walls look like. Yes, it's true. There is a portal in your wall, and it's entrance looks like this. Here is where I come tip tip tapping in the dark of night. I can enter any home, and often do. I'm here. I'm wood veneer. Get used to it.

PS. Do not turn your back on Slappy. Slappy will kill you.

Slappy Hates Birthdays

2005-08-19T11:42:00.000-04:00

Back in the 1970s, Slappy found that birthday parties could be amusing if you sat with the child and tried to scare him out of his misshapen gourd. There aren't many photos to celebrate Slappys victorious party ruining. However this photo shows the effect of telling a small child how you can enter his house in the middle of the night with a sharp knife. Several seconds later, the dear wee beastie hurled remnants of cake all over his parents. Slappy did so enjoy his child baiting escapades.

My Motorcycle Ride with a Freak

2005-08-16T10:49:00.000-04:00

Back in the late sixties, my master survived mainly by performing at children's parties. Slappy found it pleasing to slip away from these monstrousities and randomly sit on a highway hitchhiking. It unnerved many motorists to see a dummy sitting by the road with a cardboard sign asking for a ride. But some idiots would actually stop and throw me in their car.
But one day, Slappy got picked up by a freak. The impressive human had two heads sticking out of his plaid sports coat. That's right, count them, two heads! One was smart, but the other was cranky and he annoyed Slappy to no end. Yet even the annoyance was a joy compared to performing with my master at a nasty little beasts birthday party.

Oh, how Slappy loved this mutant motorcycle ride. Sun shining, wind blowing, freak driving - how could Slappy ask for more?

In honor of minion Monkey

2005-08-14T17:18:00.000-04:00

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Slappy the Zombie
Birthday:	Slappy has always been here
Birthplace:	Slappy already told you he was not born...imbecile
Current Location:	the secret corridor inside the wall of your house
Eye Color:	red
Hair Color:	brown
Height:	1'10"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	I am willing to remove either of your hands
Your Heritage:	Oak
The Shoes You Wore Today:	ones that go tip tip tip in the dark of night
Your Weakness:	Slappy has no weaknesses, stupid human.
Your Fears:	Slappy fears nothing.
Your Perfect Pizza:	round, cheesy, hot, free
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	master a slight vibration of the eyes that leaves humans questioning their own sanity
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	imbecile
Thoughts First Waking Up:	who shall I kill today
Your Best Physical Feature:	bright red depths of hell
Your Bedtime:	Slappy does not sleep
Your Most Missed Memory:	Dr. Charlatan and his Medicinal Elixir
Pepsi or Coke:	Dark Red Blood
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Sweet Sweet Death
Single or Group Dates:	Slappy does not date
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	More Tasty Blood
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Only a moron would pick anything other than Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Knives
Do you Smoke:	your are pushing your luck
Do you Swear:	yes I am about to swear vengeance on you for bothering me
Do you Sing:	I shall sing like a demon when you scream in terror
Do you Shower Daily:	Slappy would warp from repeated use of water
Have you Been in Love:	Slappy hates all
Do you want to go to College:	Slappy has his degree
Do you want to get Married:	Slappy does not have such a weakness
Do you belive in yourself:	Slappy exists, if you do not believe, you will regret it
Do you get Motion Sickness:	only when repeatedly swung at 100mph at 360 degrees
Do you think you are Attractive:	Slappy is divine
Are you a Health Freak:	You are the freak
Do you get along with your Parents:	Idiot! Slappy was not born! Oh these humans are so stupid...
Do you like Thunderstorms:	only when I am sharpening my knives
Do you play an Instrument:	Bloody Knives
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	I am ripe with elixir
In the past month have you Smoked:	Why are you asking me that?
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	you are starting to bother me
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Slappy hates you
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	Slappy loathes you intensely now
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	undoubtedly you do not get out much, Slappy will make sure you never get out again
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	don't be ridiculous
In the past month have you been on Stage:	repeatedly, my idiot master uses me in his act
In the past month have you been Dumped:	only from the stage and my master paid dearly
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	Slappy is skinny but has not dipped
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	Slappy has stolen everything
Ever been Drunk:	only on the taste of blood
Ever been called a Tease:	just until my knive removes their larynx
Ever been Beaten up:	no one makes that mistake twice
Ever Shoplifted:	when I need more knives
How do you want to Die:	Slappy exists, he does not die, have you not been listening? Idiot!
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	Oh these stupid humans and their inane questions
What country would you most like to Visit:	Italy
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	clear
Favourite Hair Color:	dark
Short or Long Hair:	Slappy does not care for your hair
Height:	I can slash anyone of any height
Weight:	No, I must continue.
Best Clothing Style:	funeral
Number of Drugs I have taken:	why are you bothering me with this?
Number of CDs I own:	you do not deserve an answer
Number of Piercings:	Slappy is not an idiot
Number of Tattoos:	Slappy does not let anyone draw on him
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	that I did not kill you
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

From Justin to Kelly...with a hand grenade

2005-08-14T16:55:00.000-04:00

This weekend Slappy watched a movie called "From Justin to Kelly". Slappy was told that it had lots of blood in it. But Slappy saw no blood. All Slappy saw was two idiots from American Idol dancing, singing, and wearing clothing that was unflattering. Where was the blood, Slappy asked? But the only answer Slappy got was laughter. So Slappy took a hand grenade and rolled it quietly across the room resulting in plenty of blood spraying upon Justin and Kelly as they danced their stupid dance wearing their stupid tie skirts. Surely watching this movie means that Slappy has already been to hell.

The Disturbing Mr. Hotdog

2005-08-10T10:42:00.000-04:00

Yesterday Slappy was ridiculed by Mr. Hotdog. The swine meatmonger was lucky I did not cut him to ribbons! No one talks to Slappy that way. And why would one known by such a ridiculous inane moniker stoop to taunting one who is oh so wooden and oh so evil? He knows not what he's done. If anyone finds Mr. Hotdog floating face down in a pool of ketchup with relish on his open wounds, don't look at Slappy. Slappy knows nothing about it.

But Slappy does have a question. If there was a strange man in the neighborhood calling himself Mr. Hotdog, parents would send their children running in the opposite direction. But when a strange man called Mr. Hotdog is selling ice cream from a truck, parents practically push their children into his waiting arms.

Slappy finds young minds very pliable and he is in need of more minions. Slappy is thinking perhaps he needs an ice cream truck.

The Moron Mountebank

2005-08-09T11:12:00.000-04:00

Slappy doesn't like it when humans assume he is an idiot. Slappy is no idiot. It is you who are the idiots! If only my master was not a dunce, I should be free to run about as I wished under cover of darkness. But no, my master is an imbecile and he insists on performing at childrens parties and on cruise ships.

Yesterday my moronic master, who is still calling himself Prophet Mountebank, took me on a seven hour cruise. We were the entertainment, such as it was. Mountebank's bizarre predictions provoked laughter, confusion, and anger. What do they expect from a man with only a partially functioning brainstem?

Granted his soothsaying is most inadequate. Telling wealthy widows they'll soon be marrying fireplugs, and urging young girls to dumb it down so they can find a husband is sure to alienate many of the patrons. However, I do so enjoy the after effect of his predictions. There is nothing I enjoy more than watching him ward off the blows of umbrellas and fists, and hearing a shrill scream leaves his mouth as he disappears in a sea of angry faces. His agony continued for several hours as on a ship there is no place to run.

Slappy's To Do List

2005-08-07T17:24:00.000-04:00

Always with the lists, always with the things to do...Slappy grows tired of falling behind in his work due to his imbecile master's lack of cranial functioning. Must work on finishing the following before dragged off on another cruise ship.

switch my masters cinnamon and chili powder after putting vinegar in his water bottle
smite the small child next door for putting a rotten cabbage on my head
practice almost imperceptable opening of jaw to unnerve adults
order more googely eyes
help little old lady cross the street, then scream like banshee until she drops
replace my idiot masters Folgers crystals with dirt
get a right jolly good laugh stealing frosting from cakes with children taking blame
get to bed at a reasonable hour
find that kid who rubbed dirt in my hair and make him sleep the sleep of fear
steal knives, sharpen knives, use knives, hide knives

Basketballs are Evil

2005-08-05T12:26:00.000-04:00

Slappy does not like the sound of one hundred basketballs dribbling. But what Slappy likes even less is the sound a basketball bouncing off his skull. Ohhhh....stupid human Slappy will not let this go unpunished. My master shall pay for this as well. He shall pay dearly.

Squirrel of the Damned

2005-08-04T14:56:00.000-04:00

Some children ask me, "Slappy, are you a killing machine? You seem to want my blood. What's that big needle for? Do you really need all those knives? Why are you looking at mey that way, Slappy? I thought you were my friend. What's that under the table? Did you just try to stab me? You aren't real, are you? My dad says you can't hurt me. I think you're evil but no one will believe me. What are you doing? Don't come any closer. If you don't stop that I'm going to scream. Why are you smiling? Is that a real dagger? I don't...."

Slappy can't take this constant chattering. The interrogation is over. Slappy stands triumphant and another human is disposed of properly as a small fuzzy squirrel forages for food in a neighboring garden. But do not let down your guard my friend, for it is a squirrel of the damned and it will kill you. Slappy has warned you. Now Slappy waits for the carnage he knows will come.

The Love Boat...The Death Boat....what's the difference?

2005-07-31T19:34:00.000-04:00

I'll bet you didn't know Slappy was on the Love Boat. My master was one of the background players on the episode where Doc and Gopher were both chasing the same woman. When they went through the bar, there was a ventriloquist on stage. That was my master, but he didn't have me in his hands. He was using my friend, Stabby Stabbington.

Stabby actually belonged to another master, but the producers thought he looked less sinister than I did. The fools...Stabby's pockets were full of gun powder and ammunition. Luckily no one lit a match near his vest or the whole ship would have gone up in flames.

I played the little boy who fell in the pool. They didn't want to use a real boy as hitting him with a piece of lumber might damage his skull.

Slappy Hates the Burger King

2005-07-30T23:53:00.000-04:00

Slappy doesn't like the Burger King. What's up with the King's horribly oversized head and fey robes? The frozen expression of joy on the King's large mutant head makes Slappy very annoyed. If you find the King face down in a ditch with a much smaller head, do not blame Slappy.... Minion Monkey, I will need you to dispose of something within the next few weeks. Be ready to do my bidding. I am Slappy. You will obey.

The Tell Tale Brain

2005-07-29T08:47:00.000-04:00

Slappy is not feeling so good today. Gangs of young humans bounce basketballs by the thousands as Slappy tries to relax. Stupid little humans, why must you participate in so pointless a past time?... What was that pounding sound? It sounds like a heartbeat.... what was Slappy saying?

Oh yes, stupid humans... when Slappy feels better he is going to eliminate... there it is again. What is that sound? It must be a heart, but how could it be? Slappy has no heart and he hasn't buried anyone under the floorboards - yet. Damn it! What is that pounding sound? It's driving Slappy insane - and believe me, there isn't much further to drive him because Slappy is already stock piling knives and making plans that call for mayhem, and that type of behavior puts Slappy a little too close to the moniker of ultimate lunatic.

I think the pounding is Slappy's brain. Slappy is in great need of blood, but first this pounding must be eliminated, like the humans. Slappy must rest. I sleep now.

Give Them The Hook

2005-07-28T11:08:00.000-04:00

There is a story about a couple who parks in lovers lane. There is a killer with a hook for a hand and he's on the loose. The parking kids keep hearing this noise outside their car. They get spooked and leave. When the boy goes to open the door for his girl, there on the door handle is a hook! Oh the kids go mad for that story.

But did you know there were actually hordes of hook hand killers roaming throughout the country? It's true. Did you know that many disasters were actually caused by hook hand killers? The 1900 Casey Jones trainwreck, the Hindenberg disaster, the steamer City of Columbus that crashed into Devil's Bridge - all disasters caused by hook hand killers.

And these weren't just any hook handed killers. These were a super elite breed of killer bear with hooks for hands. But there weren't really hordes of them everywhere. It just seemed like it because this uber hook bear had a very long reach. Ooooo isn't that scary? Well, isn't it?

Killing is My Business...and Business is Good

2005-07-27T16:19:00.000-04:00

How many times do I have to tell the stupid humans that I am preparing to kill them before they understand? Slappy is not a toy. Slappy is a portal to the dark side that you are not prepared to face. Sometimes I even pin signs on my lapel that say "Do not turn your back on me. I will kill you." It usually unnerves the children, but the adults just scream "that isn't funny" at my master and slap him in the brain, which causes me great joy.

My collection of knives is growing and my need for blood grows greater as well. Sometimes children whisper, "Slappy...do you really need blood? You don't need my blood, do you Slappy?... Slappy??!!...."

It is all Slappy can do not to laugh. Instead I begin my slow grin. It is almost imperceptable, but they know something is not right. At the point where they think they are imagining things, Slappy starts smashing his wooden jaws together in the most frightening manner. The children scream and run away, which once again results in my master begin pummeled. How I love the sound of a fist against his cranium.

Dastardly Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

2005-07-26T09:24:00.000-04:00

Slappy needs some cash. It's difficult to support his knife habit, especially with an imbecile for a master. Yesterday my master got his head stuck in a revolving door. What a buffoon. I kept all my weight against the door so that he couldn't get out. I do not weigh much, but I am strong with evil. I do not admit to being evil, just that I can summon evil power that helps me with my work. There is a difference, whether you mortals realize it or not.

So send Slappy cash...or knives. Slappy will take either. This will also keep you safe at night without fear of a small beastie crawling into your house throught the chimney. Keep that in mind as you're thinking "why should I help Slappy? He's never done anything for me." I may not have done something for you, but you must keep in mind that I could do something to you.

Slappy Loves You

2005-07-25T11:18:00.000-04:00

Slappy loves you. Yes, he does. He may seem gruff and murderous on the outside, but inside he is made of melted chocolate and love. What could be better than that? Nothing. There is nothing better than Slappy's love. It will keep you warm on a winters night, and you'll never have to worry about hearing the tip tip tip of little wooden feet on the cold hard floor as a little stealthy killing machine ventures towards your bed with a large sharp knife.....

Bwahahahahahaa! Stupid human! Did you actually believe that Slappy could love you? Slappy loathes you. Slappy wants to destroy you. Slappy thinks you are so stupid that he is telling you this knowing damn well that you will sleep the sleep of fear for a few days, be uneasy when he is in the room for a week or so, but eventually will be lulled back into a false sense of security by Slappy's lack of motion. Imbeciles... you are so easily fooled. Slappy is waiting and when the time is right, Slappy will get you. He will. He will get you. He WILL get you. He will GET you. He will.

Hannibal Hamlin is not a corpse

2005-07-22T12:33:00.000-04:00

My master took me on another cruise ship with his life sized Hannibal Hamlin creation. The cretinous baboon actually thought he could convince some of the less intelligent audience members that Hamlin was in a trance, which would explain why he often leaned against the wall, lifeless and stiff as a board.

One imbecilic patron was so dumbfounded by this trick, that he actually held a mirror up to Hamlin's mouth to see any signs of life. Of course the mirror did not cloud, which caused the man to start screaming that my master was using a dead man in his act.

At the thought of a corpse on the stage dressed in 1860s regalia, people started screeching. Ladies fainted, children wept, and gentlemen harumphed while threatening my masters life. Luckily there was an escape hatch in the stage and my master ducked through it - which was unfortunate because the magician had put a tiger there for his Tiger Appearing Out of Thin Air trick that was to follow our act.

The screams of my master drowned out the ruckus from the audience, and his pain seemed to appease them. Eventually it was discovered that the leaning lifeless Hamlin was not a dead body. As my master was held in the infirmary for the rest of the trip, I was free to roam the decks at night, tip tip tipping around scaring the bejeezus out of lovers and ne'er do wells.

The Third Person

2005-07-21T08:56:00.000-04:00

People often ask Slappy, "Why do you talk about yourself in the third person? Isn't that kind of odd? It's not like you do it all the time. You seem to randomly switch from first person to third person. Why do you do that? It's really confusing."

After Slappy finishes reigning blows upon their brainbox, he speaks slowly so their inadequate cerebellum can comprehend. Slappy makes his own rules. Sometimes he is talking about himself, sometimes he is expressing his thoughts, sometimes he does it just to mess with you. Now go away and stop bleeding in my general vicinity. Slappy is done with you, and his knives need polishing.

Smite the Freak Hair

2005-07-19T19:58:00.000-04:00

There's something on Slappy's wrist. It is his worst fear. Slappy has a freak hair. How could this be? Slappy is not human. Slappy can not grow hair. What sort of wretch has placed this pox upon poor little Slappy? Get ready for some pain because Slappy will track you down and make you pay.

Release me! Slappy demands it!!

2005-07-18T13:18:00.000-04:00

Why is it so hot in here? I think it’s over 120 degrees. The lock is stuck on my trunk. If only I hadn’t given my stash of bloody cutlery to Minion Monkey to dispose of, I would certainly have pried the lid off by now

Cursed Prophet Mountebank and his lock picking act! Why must he always use these trick locks on my trunk? I swear this is the last time that will happen. I think it’s time for the great prophet to take a long ride to the bottom of the ocean….a long permanent ride.

Somebody get me out of here before I accidentally cause a spark by beating my little wooden fist against this cursed wooden trunk!

Things To Do List

2005-07-17T14:52:00.000-04:00

Once again I am getting behind in my work. I must organize my thoughts. What do I need to do this week?

1. procure mass quantities blood
2. practice imperceptible turning of head to scare humans
3. find spooky new way to click jaws together
4. sharpen knives
5. find secret passage into Hostess factory - Slappy needs snacks
6. eliminate idiots next door
7. pet kitten named Snowball
8. put bloody cutlery in masters carry on baggage

Slappy Hates Your Cranium

2005-07-15T13:11:00.000-04:00

Professor Lockjaw used to work with an organ grinder known as The Count, who had a monkey named Major Mittens. Slappy didn’t like The Count due to his abnormally large cranium which, if you tapped it, made a peculiar sound like an over ripe melon.

Particularly disturbing was the way in which The Count could never find a hat to fit his gargantuan head. When placed on top of his skull, his chapeau sat awkwardly like a bell boy’s cap, or the hat worn by his monkey. It was all Slappy could do not to offer The Count a restful night’s sleep in a guillotine just to rid this world of that massive deviant braincase.

Pin the Tail on Brainchild Lockjaw

2005-07-13T10:47:00.000-04:00

Stupid humans...Slappy does not have a birthday. Slappy was not born. Slappy just is. If it was Slappy's birthday, he would have received something fun. But Slappy has not received any sharp knives, blood, or blueprints to your house which show the secret panel that allows evil to enter your home. Slappy is not saying he's evil, but he does admit to liking sharp implements and having great need for human blood.

Slappy has attended many of your so called birthday parties. I remember when Professor Lockjaw took me to a children's party in Whitechapel in 1888. People were scared to walk the streets due to fear of that pesky Jack the Ripper fellow. So I took great delight in concealing a large bloody knife in my trunk, which would serve Lockjaw right for making me hold his unbelievably stupid pin the tail on the donkey game.

As the children were served cake, Lockjaw began our act, which at that time involved me popping out of my trunk like a jack in the box. As the partygoers tittered nervously at Lockjaws little quips, I refused to jump out of the trunk. That poor imbecile Lockjaw assumed the mechanism was stuck and decided to improvise, something the cretin should never have attempted.

When he placed the box upright and opened the latch, the women screamed in terror and the children burst into tears. There I stood in all my psychotic glory - my eyes appeared to be spinning pinwheels, my cloak was askew, and there was a gigantic bloody knife in my hand which I repeatedly moved in a stabbing motion.

The commotion attracted the attention of a passing constable, who promptly conked the brainchild Lockjaw with his billy club, and arrested him on suspicion of murder. It was all I could do not to burst into glorious laughter. Unfortunately, Lockjaw was released later that day. However there was one bright spot as he was unmercifully beaten while he was in police custody, and Slappy got to take the left over birthday cake.

Slappy may not like birthdays, but he does like devil's food cake.

Will Slappy Kill You?

2005-07-12T09:40:00.000-04:00

Many people say, "Slappy, you are one creepy little dummy. Your eyes seem to follow me as I walk around the room. Sometimes I feel like you're going to kill me... (insert nervous laughter here).... you wouldn't kill me... would you, Slappy?"

Of course, Slappy does not respond. Slappy sits quietly and doesn't say a word. Slappy waits until you convince yourself you are imagining things. He doesn't move until you leave the room. Once you are gone, Slappy begins to laugh. Oh how Slappy does laugh. Then Slappy starts sharpening his knives.

The Dancing Bear of Death

2005-07-11T11:26:00.000-04:00

Back when Colonel Flimflam still believed in God, he decided that adding a giant bear to our act would be a positive boon on the vaudeville circuit. I was loath to perform with the massive beast as it seemed nothing but a snarling mass of pointy teeth, stinky fur, and sharp claws. However, my opinion drastically changed after our first performance.

Colonel Flimflam came up with the insane idea of portraying the 1904 presidential campaign, with myself as Judge Alton Parker (the safe and sane choice) and the bear portraying Teddy Roosevelt (said by the Democrats to be the spasmodic and arbitrary choice). I am still unsure as to why Flimflam chose to portray vaudeville performer Little Baby Beatrice, and not someone involved with the campaign, but that proved to be his undoing.

Flimflam insisted that the bear look like Roosevelt, forcing it to wear a monocle, wig, fake mustache, and carry a big stick. As the Colonel put on his own costume that consisted of a baby bonnet and nightgown, the bear pawed the stick in confusion. As I was already in my hat and finery, I watched the bears agitation grow, until it was franticly trying to swipe the disguise off it's head.

At the moment that the bear raised the stick over his head, the curtain went up and a theater full of patrons were witness to a massive, snarling, insane Roosevelt repeatedly clubbing a man dressed as a baby. As blows reigned upon the head of Colonel Flimflam, I took advantage of his incapacitated state by nailing his nightgown to the floor.

The crowd were so terror struck that they never noticed me. They would heave a collective sigh of relief as Flimflam would start to crawl away from the raging Roosevelt. But with his nightgown nailed to the floor, he never did get very far before the bear would drag him back to a more comfortable spot for a continual beating.

Eventually the wig, fake mustache, and monocle fell off, and the bear tired of his game. The Colonel was given medical assistance, and I slept the restful sleep that comes after a long and glorious day of excitement. How I loved that bear.

Don’t incur Slappy’s wrath

2005-07-09T14:16:00.000-04:00

Sometimes people say “Slappy, how could you have done all these things? I do not believe that you could meet so many people that are dead and famous. You must not be telling the truth. Slappy, you are a liar.”

Once they awaken from their beating induced coma, Slappy sets them straight. Even if it means standing over them shrieking like a banshee, they will know that Slappy never lies… unless you ask who has eaten the last piece of cake. Then Slappy will sit there with chocolate frosting on his lips, holding a sign that says “do not blame me, my master ate the cake.” That ruse got quite a chuckle at fancy dress balls during the late 1800s.

But back to my original point, Slappy does not lie. Do you dim-witted humans not understand that Slappy has existed since 1863? Just because your puny minds can not comprehend this fact does not mean that Slappy lies. It means that you are imbeciles!

I am tired of your stupidity. If I’d wanted to talk to dunces, I would have stayed with my former master when he started attending the Pacman School of Outdated Technology to learn how to put a joystick on Slappy.

Vaudeville + Colonel Flimflam = one more idiot master

2005-07-08T16:49:00.000-04:00

Back in the 1920s when Vaudeville was running rampant and it was considered acceptable for Caucasian’s to imitate Asian’s, my master used to dress me in a Chinese Coolie disguise kit - complete with false teeth, wispy mustache, and oversized hat. My master always believed that audiences would find the harmless Coolie disguise much funnier than my preferred cover, that of a murderous knife wielding lunatic. Oh how I despised him, always spoiling my fun.

On this particular date, we were scheduled to play a theater in San Francisco. I was quite excited as I hoped to maim a small, and rather annoying, child after our performance. As usual, my cretinous master loused up my plans when he decided to set me down on an ice cream vendors cart as he tried to find a nickel in his suit of one thousand pockets - which you’d think would be part of his act, but instead was just the result of his poor fashion sense.

As I sat there growing ever more agitated my master, Colonel Flimflam, tripped over a dachshund and slammed into the ice cream cart. The force of his corpulent carcass pushed the cart from it’s resting place, which unfortunately was at the top of a very steep hill. When the vendor realized his cart had taken wing, he turned to the Colonel and walloped him so fiercely that his hat flew right off his large peanut shaped head.

As I sat proudly on my ice cream cart of destruction, people dived left and right to avoid being disfigured. The cart must have been built by a true craftsman as we turned fruit stand after fruit stand into kindling. It was truly a beautiful sight. And just when I noticed that there was nothing more to destroy, up ahead I saw what at first I thought must be a mirage - a Chinese New Years Parade.

People’s jaws dropped in amazement and horror as I came riding through the streets dressed in my master’s Coolie outfit. Oh the hilarity that ensued, which culminated when I rode under a Chinese Dragon that got stuck on my head, was handed a bottle of brandy and a lit torch, and got the brilliant idea of doing a fire breathing demonstration.

It was quite an act, I tell you. Colonel Flimflam could never top it and was ridden out of town on a rail. Even today, if you listen very carefully in the dark corners of the city, you will still hear talk about the Fire Breathing Chinese Dragon of Vaudeville.

Slappy has grown tired of talking. I sleep now.

John Wilkes Booth was a bore

2005-07-06T22:52:00.000-04:00

When I was with Professor Lockjaw, we would frequently run into John Wilkes Booth in theaters. Booth was a royal bore, always arrogant and talking at length about his great acting prowess. It just made me want to strangle him.

One night when Lockjaw and I were performing, Booth jumped up on stage and cried out something about anarchy. As he shouted his senseless message which filled me with boredom, I noticed that his laces were undone. When Lockjaw stood up to try to reason with the madman Booth, I quietly tied Booth's laces together. I think one little girl saw me, but I made short work of her credibility by slowly turning my eyes toward her and opening my mouth in that slightly threatening way I do.

Lockjaw's interloping had gotten him a punch in the brain, which in turn caused him to slump to the floor. As Booth turned to leave, he noticed too late that his feet were tied together and he fell off the stage and into the lap of a large German woman. She promptly beat him about the nether region with her umbrella until Booth managed to crawl out of the theater. What a complete imbecile.

Prophet Mountebank deservedly pummeled again

2005-07-05T18:44:00.000-04:00

My master did his act at a wedding reception yesterday. He once again had me debating his life sized Hannibal Hamlin. Why, I am not sure, as it seems most inappropriate entertainment for a wedding.

In a most unfortunate turn of events, he forgot to pack my Abraham Lincoln disguise kit. I was mortified since the only disguise I had in my trunk was the David Hasselhoff Superstar outfit – and I am loath to wear that hideous getup.

The party goers were most confused to see me as the demon Hasselhoff singing the Gettysburg Address while a recalcitrant Hannibal Hamlin repeatedly smacked me in the head due to an error in his arm mechanism.

But my indignity at suffering such an outrage was soothed by a couple of incidents that brought me much pleasure. I took to scaring the flower girls by clacking my jaws together in the most frightening way. Next I made sure that no matter when the tiny ring bearer turned around, I was always right behind him

However the high point of my night was when the life sized Hannibal Hamlin slipped off the stage and it’s malfunctioning arm repeatedly punched the groom’s father in the spine. The wedding party ran to contain the violent beast from reining more blows on the old wheelchair bound man. Then they grabbed my master -who still insists on calling himself Prophet Mountebank- tied him to a chair, positioned his hideous boxing Hamlin creation an inch from his nose, and let it unleash it’s inanimate fury. I still laugh when I think of the beating he got from his own stupid invention.

Slappy Heartily Endorses This Product

2005-07-03T16:18:00.000-04:00

Many people ask my master if they can buy Slappy or make their own dummy just like Slappy. My master likes money. So if they seem particularly enthralled by Slappy, my master will sell them a kit with instructions on making their very own dummy. The fools march off happily clutching their box of evil.

For what my master does not realize - and they will not realize until it is too late - is that Slappy has changed the instructions. Instead of the cheerful little doll they envision, they end up with a lifeless portal to the netherworld. Oh how Slappy longs to see the look on their faces as they read the instructions and find out that making the doll requires some of their own blood and ouija board.

Slappy sleeps now.

Damn it, I'm the Beekeeper!

2005-07-01T16:04:00.000-04:00

My master is an idiot. He thinks he can predict the future and has taken to calling himself Prophet Mountebank. Too bad he couldn't predict the hornets nest at our engagement today. The fool thought it was a paper lantern and kicked it during his bizarre prophecy about the future engagement of one patron's son and their scarecrow.

To make matters worse for my master, but much more pleasant for me, the nest got stuck on his foot and a trail of hornets followed him as he ran and leaped about screaming, "Damn it! I'm the beekeeper! You can't hurt me! I am one of you!" The blithering idiot was unaware that they were not bees, and kept mumbling about buying the insects some honey as the ambulance carted him off to intensive care.

Fingers Look Like Carrots

2005-06-30T19:12:00.000-04:00

My master has no shame. I was forced to perform at a children's party today. The vile creatures were barely tolerable during our act. Afterwards they went insane in a bizarre sugar induced frenzy.

The horrible little darlings. They persisted in poking me in the eyes and sticking their small carrot-like fingers into my mouth. If only they knew I was only a breath away from impaling them with their party hats. They are lucky I didn't act on my impulse to put arsenic into the frosting on the cake. How I loathe the little humans most of all.

Slappy is waiting

2005-06-29T11:26:00.000-04:00

Hello human. Slappy is waiting. Slappy is watching. Slappy is both waiting and watching. When you move, Slappy knows it. Slappy is not god. Slappy is not all knowing. But Slappy has a secret. You will not know it for then Slappy could not wait and he could not watch. Stupid humans.

PS. Slappy has a knife.

Professor Lockjaw gets a right good pummeling

2005-06-28T12:10:00.000-04:00

When I was first in London, I was smitten by the glow of the gas lights, the clip clop of the horse drawn carraiges, and that pesky Jack the Ripper fellow. How I loved to watch the constables bumbling about trying to solve his crimes. I took to taunting them by smearing blood on my monocle and leaving a few inches of a bloody knife sticking out of the front of my jacket.

No one suspected me at all, as I sat there, glassy eyed and slack jawed. And that poor halfwit Professor Lockjaw hadn't a clue as to why the constables were giving him an unmercifully brutal pummeling. I had hoped to send another idiot master to the gallows, but he was released upon the testimony of theatre patrons who he had been visiting with at the time of the murder. Oh Professor Lockjaw, some day you will succumb to my deadly plans.

Now that over one hundred years have passed, people are even stupider. After my last performance in which I imitated Jack as he bobbed for apples, an idiot patron commented that Jack was nothing but a character played by Michael Caine in a movie, while another said he was a character in a mystery novel. It was all I could do not to stab them both.

The imbecile Lockjaw

2005-06-25T18:03:00.000-04:00

When I used to travel with Dr. Charlatan, my master was an imbecile named Professor Lockjaw. He actually thought he could throw his voice, being too unbelievably stupid to know that it was in fact my voice he was hearing. That cretin...he wasn't called Lockjaw for nothing.

He would grit his teeth and mutter noises that can only accurately be described as sounding like an organ grinder having a seizure while his monkey screams, "chee chee chee" and clangs a tin cup violently against his own skull. It drove many a patron, resplendent in their finery, into a state of near madness. I still remember a summer night where Sir Arthur Conan Doyle punched Professor Lockjaw straight in the mouth for causing his companion to come down with a case of the vapors.

But nothing topped the ruckus that occurred during the matinee performance attended by Queen Victoria. The backstage area of the theatre was in semi-darkness, and when introduced to Lockjaw, the Queen mistakenly thought I was his small mentally challenged son. I dare say poor Lockjaw was in a state of complete confusion when the queen stated, "An ugly baby is a very nasty object...." Parents in the vicinity promptly dragged their children away, in hopes that the Queen would not pass judgment on the little hooligans.

Though I knew she was referring to me, I could barely contain my evil laughter as daft old Lockjaw paused a few beats before replying, "I dare say, you may be the Queen, but I'll have none of this talk about my nasty otter! It may not be the most attractive one in the world, but you're a good site uglier!" This led to the imbecile Lockjaw being hauled off for a right good pummeling by the Queen's guards. Unfortunately, the misunderstanding come to light before Lockjaw was put to death.

2005-06-23T12:49:00.000-04:00

My Abraham Lincoln disguise kit was used with great success during the 1800s, even after his assassination. But now it is just an annoyance as my master finds it amusing to dress me as Abe for our appearances on cruise ships.

Lately he has taken to forcing me to debate a lifesized replica of Hannibal Hamlin, which is not only visually disturbing, but its speech is incomprehensibly garbled due to trying to project his voice across the stage without moving his lips. My master fails to see the open mouths of the audience as they gape incredulously at the hideous visage.

I must admit to enjoying the look of horror on one wee tots face as the hulking terror that is Hannibal Hamlin tottered dangerously back and forth before wordlessly slipping over the edge of the stage to land quite undignified in a heap on top of the small child.

Stupid human. How I loathe him. I long for the days when I was peddling medicinal elixir with my beloved Dr. Charlatan. We would have been the toast of England if not for that Jack the Ripper mess which caused such an uproar. No one dared venture out after dark to see our act, and the constable's were imbeciles.

2005-06-22T10:24:00.000-04:00

So much to do, so little time. I am never really idle. I must make a list because there is too much on my mind.

Slappy's Things to Do List:
1) practice art of glassy eyed stare and slack jaw
2) store bloody knives in trunk holding the Fabulous Mr. Wiggles
3) unnerve humans by making my eyes follow them as they walk about the room
4) steal Hostess Snoballs from owner purely for entertainment value
5) make creepy tip tap walking sound when humans are in the next room
6) try to maintain appearance of harmless wooden dummy rather than insane killing machine
7) clean blood spatters off monocle
8) write letter of complaint about ending to that movie, "Magic"
9) explore other options for getting out of trunk
10) master art of subtle changing of position to make humans question their own sanity
11) order top hat and tails to blend in at fancy dress balls
12) put itching powder in owners bed in retaliation for performance at childs birthday party